Romance Read online

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: NO. I'm not sure that I do.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: NO. I'm not at all sure that I do.

  DEFENDANT: Fuck you.

  BAILIFF: Prehistoric fish. Ten letters.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: IS, that, do I take that to mean … ?

  DEFENDANT: Fuck you.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Fuck me? Fuck you, you Rug Merchant, Greasy, Hooknosed, no-dici, Christkilling, son-of-a-bitch sacrilegious …

  BAILIFF: The judge says …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Fuck the Judge, and fuck you, and, and you, you mocky, sheeny ror£sucker … when I've missed taking Little Tommy to Church Youth Hockey, because I'm stuck in here listening to your sniveling, sick …

  DEFENDANT: Oh, Oh, Little Tommy, again? Limping, when he comes home from communion, does he … ?

  (Pause)

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I hope, I hope that the Arabs. Rise in their droves, and drive your people into the sea. Killing the children. Raping their wives and burning down all traces of your two-thousand-year-long sacrilege.

  DEFENDANT: Fuck you.

  BAILIFF:… you having lunch … ?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: And, if there is a God. And there is, who died for us, who suffered for Mankind, who lives today, and hears all, I pray to that God to hear my plea …

  BAILIFF: They're having meat loaf today …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… that you, your family, your race …

  BAILIFF:… on the steam table …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… I heard you. And that every sperm, seed, trace, artifact…

  DEFENDANT: If you would be ONE BILLIONTH as persuasive Out There …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Fuck you. I'm fired, and you're screwed. Because you're going to prison. Prison. Do you hear? Because the man who (and I am that man) who stood the remotest chance of saving your worthless Jew self, the one man …

  DEFENDANT:… if you had a fucking clue …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I don't need a clue. I don't NEED a clue. I needed you to stay off the stand, to …

  DEFENDANT: Submit…

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Yes. Submit. At the dentist, do you say, “They're my teeth: Let me help” ? YOU NEED TO SUBMIT.

  DEFENDANT: SUBMIT … SUBMIT SUBMIT SUBMIT SUBMIT SUBMIT. God forgive me, what have I done? I hired a Goy lawyer! It's like going to a straight hairdresser. And now he wants me to SUBMIT. You fucken brain-dead, white socks, country club, plaid pants, Campbell's soup fucken sheigetz Goy. Submit. That's fine. Take the example of Your Lord.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… there I must insist you stop …

  DEFENDANT: Your fairy tale … oooh, they rolled the stone away from the cave …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… I've warned you …

  DEFENDANT: While the porridge cooled …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I'm not warning you again …

  DEFENDANT: Oh. What will you do? Hitch up your pants and kill every Jew in Europe?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… it's what you deserve …

  DEFENDANT: Hitch up your leather pants and gas everybody?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… a pogrom …

  DEFENDANT: My very presence here. MY VERY PRESENCE HERE IS A POGROM …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… there it is …

  DEFENDANT: A pogrom …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… you people can't order a cheese sandwich …

  DEFENDANT: Fuck you.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… without mentioning the Holocaust.

  DEFENDANT: My people do not eat cheese sandwiches.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Oh. Oh, what? It isn't “kosher” … ?

  DEFENDANT: IT ISN'T TASTY. TASTY. You mindless Nazi Fuck. IT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD, AND SO WE DON'T EATYT.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: IS THAT SO?

  DEFENDANT: Yes. Yes. We eat Christian Children. We bake them in pies, just like you have been saying these two thousand years. Your whole dolt, Catholic …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… I'm Episcopalian …

  DEFENDANT: And what the fuck is that} A Catholic with a Volvo …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Oh, that's charming.

  DEFENDANT: GO back to the Country Club. Drink, fuck each other's wives, and increase the defense budget. Fuck you.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… what's wrong with the defense budget? {Pause)

  DEFENDANT: What's wrong… ? What's wrong with the defense budget? Are you serious}

  BAILIFF: YOU want lunch?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: What's wrong} Yes—with the Defense Budget, which, among other things, keeps the Israelis and the, the, the, Duly-Constituted Palestinian …

  DEFENDANT: I'll give you the Palestinians … I'll…

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Oh. What are they? “Hanky-Heads” ?

  DEFENDANT:… no …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Savages, who don't deserve …

  DEFENDANT: NO.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:“Sand-Negroes” … ?

  BAILIFF: YOU fellas want lunch?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I don't want lunch.

  BAILIFF: YOU might want to eat. Going to be a long afternoon.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I'm not hungry.

  BAILIFF: I was you, I'd eat. What do you eat?

  DEFENDANT: What do you mean?

  BAILIFF: I mean “what do you eat?”

  DEFENDANT: I eat “food.” What do you mean?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: He meant, is there anything you don't eat?

  DEFENDANT: There's lots of things that I eat. If they're food I eat them. Why do you ask?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: He asked out of politeness, because you're Jewish.

  DEFENDANT: HOW would he know that?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: You've been shouting “goy cock-sucker” for an hour. What did he think it was? “Self-loathing” ?

  BAILIFF: YOU fellas see the parade?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… shouting like some rug bazaar …

  DEFENDANT:… what does that mean?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: A rug bazaar.

  DEFENDANT: What does that mean, I know what you said, what does it mean?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: It means, it means, my friend …

  DEFENDANT: Don't start in with that.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: With what?

  DEFENDANT: With the Jew thing: “my friend.” You Goy Flunky. Yes, I come from a Rug Bazaar. Yes. I'm a kike; yes, I'm a sheeny Jew. I come from the Casbah. I come from the Middle East. Two thousand years ago, when we killed your Lord. That's me. A hooknosed greasy Jew, who would prefer the good, clean logic of a Rug …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: … if …

  DEFENDANT: Shut up … of a Rug Bazaar … where each has something … to …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: If …

  DEFENDANT: YOU fucken brain-dead, child molester thief goy monsters, and you tell me Justice? You know what true Justice is?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: NO, please tell me.

  DEFENDANT: It is the Rug Bazaar.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Ah ha …

  DEFENDANT: YOU want to solve the evils of the world? You want to know how? By reducing the discussion, to a Simple Human Need. Instead of screaming at Me, Standing Me Up in front of the Prosecutor of Judea … and, by the way, he was Jewish …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Who?

  DEFENDANT: Christ.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Christ Jesus? Yes. He was a Jew. Yes. I affirm that.

  DEFENDANT: Sporting of you.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: NO, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of listening to you malign my faith.

  DEFENDANT: Fuck you.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: From a chiropractor? From a “chiropractor” … ?

  DEFENDANT: My profession, sir …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: And now I've missed the hockey game …

  DEFENDANT: My profession, sir …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… fuck your profession …

  DEFENDANT:… was alleviating suffering when doctors dwelt in caves.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Through rubbing people's feet…

  DEFENDANT: NO, actually, through realignment, of the

  spine …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: O
h, bullshit.

  DEFENDANT:… realignment of the spine, excuse me, yes, which, even in the most obstinate cases …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Oh, please …

  DEFENDANT:… brings about reversal of disease, well-being, right thinking, mental equilibrium, and … ohmigod …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: What?

  DEFENDANT: OHMIGOD.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: What?

  DEFENDANT: I KNOW HOW TO BRING PEACE TO THE MIDDLE EAST!!

  SCENE THREE

  The PROSECUTOR is giving a speech to what appears to he an empty room.

  PROSECUTOR: In every time, this one or that, has introduced a New Thing. Never Before Seen Upon The Earth. And called it Bohemia. Radicalism. Freedom, this doctrine, of license, this notion that we are above the law. Based upon what? This brave announcement? The individual's sentiment of being Chosen. Laws, my friend, and laws, my neighbors, however, came into being as we learned, at long, hard cost, and both to our chagrin and to our education, that we cannot trust our senses. {Pause) See us, then calling crime “freedom.” And by any other name than that set down in Law. But the Law will find you. That which first was a reminder comes again as a demand—a correction. For I, for you, no less than that man tempted, fallen, and now brought before you answers to the Law. And you who judge him must be still, and ask of yourselves honest and hard dedication. To that ideal, which alone can guide us— and it is a tree of life. To those who hold fast to it. {Pause) What do you think? {Pause) Tell me truly. {Pause) Go on. {Pause)

  (BERNARD, a young fellow, clad, perhaps, but in a leopard-skin posing strap, rises from the couch, where he has been hidden.)

  BERNARD: I don't know.

  PROSECUTOR: … Oh God.

  BERNARD: I just. I don't know.

  PROSECUTOR: Oh God.

  BERNARD: I …

  PROSECUTOR: Spare me. Spare—

  BERNARD: I …

  PROSECUTOR: Please. Please. Spare me your pity.

  BERNARD: It may will you wait a second … it may be, it's possible that…

  PROSECUTOR:… please …

  BERNARD:… will you let me finish? It's possible that it's just a bit too strong.

  PROSECUTOR: What in the world can that mean? (Pause)

  BERNARD: I …

  PROSECUTOR: What can you mean to tell me, that it is “TOO STRONG”?

  BERNARD: For me. Too strong for me.

  PROSECUTOR: TOO strong for you.

  BERNARD: At UilS point.

  PROSECUTOR:… how can it be Too Strong?

  BERNARD: I …

  PROSECUTOR: Could I, do you think, would you just, for God's sake, say that you don't like it?

  BERNARD: No, that's not the case.

  PROSECUTOR: It is the case. (Pause)

  BERNARD: I …

  PROSECUTOR: (Simultaneous with above) Do you have any notion how humiliating this is … ? (Pause)

  BERNARD: I …

  PROSECUTOR: (Simultaneous with above)… to indulge in this hypocrisy.

  BERNARD: I… (Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: Well, fine, fine. What would you change?

  BERNARD: I …

  PROSECUTOR: What? BERNARD: I do like it. PROSECUTOR: That was not my question.

  BERNARD: I …

  PROSECUTOR: Would you, would you please, for the love of God? Please. (Pause) Would you please? (Pause) For God's sake? (Pause) You follow me … ?

  BERNARD: I …

  PROSECUTOR: Would you just leave me alone for a while? (Pause) Do you think?

  BERNARD: I'm sorry if I hurt you.

  PROSECUTOR: I'm sure that you are. (Pause) I know that you are.

  BERNARD: I …

  PROSECUTOR:… seriously. (Pause)

  BERNARD: Thank you. (Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: If I could just be alone for a while, (BERNARD starts to speak.) Yes. No. I know. (Pause) Thank you. (Pause) Thank you. I mean that seriously. I just want to be alone.

  BERNARD: I don't want you to be angry with me.

  PROSECUTOR: I'm not angry with you.

  BERNARD: I'm so sorry.

  PROSECUTOR: I'm not angry.

  BERNARD: I …

  PROSECUTOR: It's all right. I'm, I'm, I'm a little up … BERNARD: No. Truly I… I humbly beg your …

  PROSECUTOR: WOULD YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND LEAVE ME ALONE? HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW HUMILIATING THIS IS …

  BERNARD: I …

  PROSECUTOR: Bullshit. Bullshit.

  (A smoke alarm sounds from offstage. Pause.)

  BERNARD: I …

  PROSECUTOR: Bullshit. It's about you. It's all about you. How contrite you are. How little you demand, how…

  {Alarm beeps twice.)

  BERNARD: … yOU …

  PROSECUTOR: NO. DON'T say that.

  BERNARD:… you don't…

  PROSECUTOR: Yes. I do. This is, no. This is not “one of those things.” And I won't have it. Do you hear? What? Have I “hurt your feelings”}

  BERNARD:… I… (Alarm sounds again.)

  PROSECUTOR: I'm losing you. I'm losing you. I know it. Don't lie to me. Please please please, just tell me the truth. For once, as if I were man enough to hear it.

  (Alarm)

  BERNARD: You are man enough to hear it.

  PROSECUTOR: I am?

  BERNARD: Yes. (Alarm)

  PROSECUTOR: TO hear it.

  BERNARD: Yes.

  (Alarm beeps continuously. Smoke billows in.)

  PROSECUTOR: (Spoken over alarm) To hear what? (Pause) What are we talking about? Oh, my God, now I am lost. What are we talking about? My whole world is a mass of pain. The ground is shifting under my feet, and I know, for the first time, I know what they mean. When they say, uh … uh … (Pause) Uh … what the fuck is that?

  (Phone rings as PROSECUTOR storms off. BERNARD answers the phone)}

  BERNARD: (On phone) Hello? He's in the kitchen. (Pause) Because the roast is burning is why. Because I forgot to turn it down. (Pause) Because I'm a dunce, all right? (Pause) Well, I was born that way. I suppose it's genetic. (Pause) A lot of people say that. (Beeping

  ends, PROSECUTOR reenters holding the offending smoke detector)) There's a phone call for you.

  PROSECUTOR: Fuck you.

  BERNARD: Fuck you, too.

  PROSECUTOR: And fuck you, too.

  BERNARD: And fuck you.

  PROSECUTOR: (TO PHONE) Hello. No. It's a fine time. It's swell. What do you want? I can't talk to you. Tell it to me tomorrow. Well, what is it you're going to tell me tomorrow? (Pause) To Suspend the prosecution? Why?

  BERNARD: The roast is burnt.

  PROSECUTOR: Fuck you. (Pause. To phone) TO DROP THE CHARGES? YOUR GUY IS AS GUILTY AS THE LORD KNOWS HOW TO MAKE HIM. (Pause) I don't want to give him a cont… I don't want to give him a continuance. Why should I give him a continuance? (Pause) TO TAKE PART IN THE PEACE PROCESS?

  BERNARD: Tell him to go with God.

  PROSECUTOR: Fuck you.

  BERNARD: Fuck you, too.

  PROSECUTOR: And fuck you, too. You little two-bit piece of fucking INTELLECTUAL FLUFF.

  BERNARD: Oh, oh, oh, did you marry me for my mind}

  PROSECUTOR: Fuck you.

  BERNARD: So that we could discuss Proust} Was that what had you GLUED TO THE SMALL LEATHER-GOODS COUNTER AT SAKS, DAY AFTER DAY???

  PROSECUTOR: Fuck you.

  BERNARD: MoOfliflg …}

  PROSECUTOR: (Tophone) He's going to bring peace how … ?

  BERNARD: I'm like, “hey, buy a wallet…”

  PROSECUTOR: Fuck you.

  BERNARD: You cheap fuck. Where do you buy your clothes? The garbage? “Oh, I love you, Bunny.”

  PROSECUTOR: Fuck you.

  BERNARD:“Please, please, I know I'm fat. I know I have the taste of a Midwestern fucking pet-shop owner … I know I'm unworthy of you …”

  PROSECUTOR:… go on.

  BERNARD:“I know I have the contours of a pear, and I'm ashamed of myself and I'm no good in bed.”

 
PROSECUTOR: Ah ha …

  BERNARD:“And you're the loveliest thing that I've ever seen, and I'm unfit to even Gaze upon you,” night after night. “You're like a fine beer.” AND MY FRIENDS LOOKED AT YOU LIKE I'D BROUGHT HOME SOME TV WEATHERMAN. But, no no no, “I love you, Bernard. And I'll make a home for you, and I'll protect you …”

  PROSECUTOR: Are you crying? (Pause) Oh, are you crying?

  BERNARD: Oh, do you think that's some Cheap Girlish Trick?

  PROSECUTOR: (To phone) One moment…

  BERNARD: Do you think that's “unfair” ? To have “feelings” ? “Feelings” ? … now I've lost my contact. (BERNARD starts crawling around on the floor.)

  PROSECUTOR:… go on …

  BERNARD:… I've lost my contact…

  PROSECUTOR:… go on …

  BERNARD: I don't want to go on. I want to be left alone.

  PROSECUTOR: Bunny …

  BERNARD: Leave me alone.