Romance Read online

  DEFENDANT: I don't recall, sir.

  PROSECUTOR: What would assist you?

  DEFENDANT: I don't know.

  PROSECUTOR: Let me understand you: you do not know if…

  DEFENDANT: I don't know. Yes.

  PROSECUTOR: If you left the Mainland.

  JUDGE: The Mainland of what, please? {Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: Of, of the Continent.

  JUDGE: And he doesn't know that… ?

  DEFENDANT: That is right. (Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: DO you feel. Let me put it differently: In your experience in this … is such a recollection within the abilities of a reasonable man? (Pause)

  DEFENDANT: I don't understand.

  PROSECUTOR:… I withdraw the question. And I ask you at this point, if you are suggesting Mental Incapacity.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor …

  PROSECUTOR: DO you suggest your inability to retain a date, or movement on your part, over the course of a year, do you put it forth as evidence of Mental Incapacity? Yes or no.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, please, this is unnecessary. This is …

  DEFENDANT: If I asked you:

  PROSECUTOR: I beg your pardon, I am not the issue here.

  DEFENDANT: If I asked anyone. (Pause) Some … some. Would have a … how can you say it is Mental Incapacity? That's, that's. Vicious. To offer that, excuse me, sir, that's … anyone might. Msremember, or …

  JUDGE: That's correct…

  PROSECUTOR: Yes?

  JUDGE: Yes, in a busy life …

  PROSECUTOR:… anyone might disremember …

  DEFENDANT: Or have difficulty remembering …

  PROSECUTOR: Yes …

  DEFENDANT: A date, or … that, that… that is, just…

  PROSECUTOR: You're saying that's Human Nature.

  DEFENDANT: Absolutely.

  JUDGE: That is Human Nature. Fellas. Just this morning, I, uh … (Pause) People Forget.

  PROSECUTOR: You've said that you have difficulty with your memory. That's right. It is Human Nature. Yes. It is. How does one deal with it?

  JUDGE: IS it hot in here? (Lays his head dawn on the desk)

  DEFENDANT: One, one has, they have Agendas, or …

  PROSECUTOR: People have difficulty remembering, so they have Agendas.

  DEFENDANT: Yes.

  PROSECUTOR: Which they would trust more than their recollections.

  DEFENDANT: Yes. That is the purpose of them.

  PROSECUTOR: That they would prefer notations on a scrap of paper.

  DEFENDANT: AS you know.

  JUDGE: {Lifts his head up) If we could move it along, gentlemen, I am not feeling too …

  PROSECUTOR:… if it please the court.

  JUDGE: I find I'm not feeling too well.

  PROSECUTOR: With the Court's Pardon, if I might, the one instant…

  JUDGE: I found that my mind was drifting. That's not like me.

  DEFENDANT: Many times, Your Honor, sitting for long periods stresses the spine and induces a decrease in the fluid of the dural matter which may cause lapses in attention.

  JUDGE: Yes, you bet, but, in truth? I thought I'd step down, just… just… {He sneezes.)

  BAILIFF: Gesundheit, Your Honor …

  JUDGE: Thank you. To be a part of the parade. Do you know, just to be a part of it. I wonder if the pollen in the elm trees near the consulate exacerbated my attack.

  DEFENDANT: IS it elm to which Your Honor is allergic?

  JUDGE: DO they have “pollen” ? I suppose they'd have to, as they're “trees.” They're “trees,” right, Jimmy? They're “trees” ? Right, “elm trees.”

  BAILIFF: Your Honor?

  JUDGE: Well, they say tomatoes are a fruit.

  PROSECUTOR: Might we, with respect to the court, confine and limit our attention to the …

  JUDGE: Quite quite right. I beg your pardon.

  PROSECUTOR: I will be brief.

  JUDGE: It stuck in my mind, because I have an allergy to Pollen.

  PROSECUTOR: I …

  JUDGE: I'm not feeling well, and, in fact, I think I'd like to call a recess.

  PROSECUTOR: One moment, Your Honor, please, is all I ask.

  JUDGE: Is there, urn, pollen, in the elm?

  PROSECUTOR: I don't know, Your Honor.

  JUDGE: Or is that just a thing we associate with “bees.” (Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: (TO DEFENDANT) I ask you to turn your attention to this document, and to identify it for me, please. (Pause) Would you identify it for me, please? Is this your agenda? For the year in question?

  DEFENDANT: Yes.

  PROSECUTOR: It is your name.

  DEFENDANT: Yes.

  PROSECUTOR: IS this your handwriting? (Pause)

  DEFENDANT: I …

  PROSECUTOR: Who is the person in the hotel?

  DEFENDANT: I …

  PROSECUTOR: IS it “B” ?

  DEFENDANT: I didn't…

  PROSECUTOR: IS that a man's name?

  DEFENDANT: I…

  PROSECUTOR:“B.” Does that stand for the name oilman:

  DEFENDANT:… I…

  PROSECUTOR: IS this your handwriting? Here. Would you look here, please? Here. Would you read that sign, please? {Pause) Would you read it please?

  DEFENDANT: It appears to …

  PROSECUTOR: What is your problem? Would you read the sign?

  DEFENDANT: It appears to … {Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: What is the sign?

  DEFENDANT: I cannot…

  PROSECUTOR: IS it the letter “B” ?

  DEFENDANT: It appears to, I…

  PROSECUTOR: What follows it? {Pause)

  DEFENDANT: It is a symbol.

  DEFENDANT: An arrow.

  PROSECUTOR: An arrow. What is it pointing to?

  DEFENDANT: It app …

  PROSECUTOR: Don't tell me what it appears to be. What is it? Is it not the letter “H” ? And are you going to tell me that it is a “ladder” or a “football goal” ? It is the letter “H.” The phrase or ideogram: “B.” Arrow H, or perhaps, Hawaii…

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Objection.

  PROSECUTOR:… or: “B,” to Hawaii. Is that correct?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Objection.

  DEFENDANT: That is your understanding.

  PROSECUTOR: Indeed it is.

  (JUDGE sneezes)

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Gesuti…

  PROSECUTOR: One moment… Indeed it is, and the symbol following?

  DEFENDANT: I …

  PROSECUTOR: A “love heart” ? And: following that?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… Your Honor …

  PROSECUTOR: IS it a rabbit?

  DEFENDANT: I…

  PROSECUTOR: IS it a rabbit in quotes? Sir …

  (JUDGE begins sneezing again.)

  PROSECUTOR:… with A Happy Face? What is the happy rabbit a symbol of?

  DEFENDANT: I, urn, Your Honor … ?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, if I might suggest… (As the JUDGE continues sneezing)

  DEFENDANT: I don't think it's a rabbit… Your Honor, I…

  JUDGE: Did I take my pill?

  PROSECUTOR: ARE YOU GOING TO SIT THERE AND TELL ME THAT IS NOT A RABBIT … ? YOU LYING, SICK, PERJURED …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Objection …

  JUDGE: (Sneezing) Gentlemen, gentlemen, may we not have peace?

  DEFENDANT: I, I, I…

  PROSECUTOR: Are you going to tell me that is not a rabbit}

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Objection, objection, objection.

  JUDGE: May we not have Peace?

  DEFENDANT: I, I, I…

  PROSECUTOR: Are you going to tell me that is not a Rabbit …}

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: It doesn't look like a rabbit to me.

  PROSECUTOR: Not everyone has the equal capacity to draw a rabbit.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: (Of the drawing) What are those?

  PROSECUTOR: Ears. Those are Ears, those are its Ears, They're Rabbit Ears.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: NO one coul
d draw a rabbit that inexpertly, Your Honor … ?

  JUDGE: Achoo.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: NO one, no one …

  PROSECUTOR: Not everyone, Your Honor, has the God-given ability to draw a rabbit.

  JUDGE: Achoo.

  PROSECUTOR: I can and will present a cavalcade of Expert Witnesses …

  JUDGE: I don't think my prescription is working …

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, one moment.

  JUDGE: ACHOO ACHOO ACHOO.

  PROSECUTOR: Expert witnesses, who Cannot Draw a Rabbit.

  JUDGE: Ah, shit, I think I'm going to have to Lay Down.

  End of Scene One.

  SCENE TWO

  Small conference room. The DEFENDANT and the DEFENSE ATTORNEY. Pause.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Well, you know, it looked like a fucken rabbit to me. I asked you. Didn't I ask you? Not To Get Up On The Stand? Did I ask you that?

  DEFENDANT: I …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: It looked like a fucken rabbit to Me.

  DEFENDANT: What if I was not there?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Ah hell, where?

  DEFENDANT: In Hawaii.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I don't know anymore.

  DEFENDANT: Well, I'm paying you to know. So just…

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: You're paying me to give you my advice. And my advice was not to get up on the stand, you got up …

  DEFENDANT: Yes, I got up on the stand …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: YOU got up there, and made a fool, not only of yourself, but…

  DEFENDANT: I got up on the stand, because, because I feel…

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: And then he asked you about the Rabbit. “What were you doing in Hawaii with a Happy Rabbit?”

  DEFENDANT: What if I was not there?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Were you there?

  DEFENDANT: Would you follow me please?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: If you were not there. One would be hard-pressed to account for the Rabbit and all. “B,” Arrow, Love Heart, to Hawaii, Rabbit. If you were not there. Anyone “reading” them. Would ask you. If you were not there, would ask for your “story.”

  DEFENDANT: For My Story.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Yes.

  DEFENDANT: But. {Pause) But would you … yes, I know, I understand … But. As an “exercise.”

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… we have so little …

  DEFENDANT: Please. As a, as, as a hypothetical Instance. Please. In which, all right. All right? (Pause)

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: All right.

  DEFENDANT: In which the facts seemed to be. Seemed to be …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: DO you know, and now, he calls a recess. And I'm never going to be able to get home …

  DEFENDANT: I …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… with the parade.

  DEFENDANT: The point.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: The point. The point is not…

  DEFENDANT:… please …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: May I finish: the point is not what you ad …

  DEFENDANT:… I understand.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: What you admit.

  DEFENDANT: I understand that.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: But…

  DEFENDANT:… I underst…

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: But, please let me, what a reasonable person must infer from the facts.

  DEFENDANT: I understand that.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… if you understand, then I am baffled by…

  DEFENDANT: I'm asking, as a hypothetical instance.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I, I, I, I feel that I am being remiss in my duties.

  DEFENDANT: A hypothetical instance where …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: We have so little time.

  DEFENDANT: If: if we postulate.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: TO indulge in: Listen to me:

  DEFENDANT: I …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: TO indulge in. Please, all right, I know, believe me, No, I realize that, to you, much of the proceedings must seem, they must seem to you arbitrary, and …

  (BAILIFF enters with a newspaper)

  BAILIFF: YOU fellas want lunch?

  DEFENDANT: If we posit a hypothetical instance where …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: YOU were in Hawaii. November Tenth, of last year. B arrow, love heart, Hawaii, Laughing Rabbit. You were there. How in the fuck are you not going to have been there?

  DEFENDANT: By providing an alternative.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: TO where you were?

  DEFENDANT: TO, to a way of “looking” at it.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: All right, then, after the Mumbo Jumbo, what is the alternative?

  DEFENDANT: My understanding is, at that point, that is your job.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: And my job is?

  DEFENDANT: TO, to frame an alternative … to present to the Judge …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: A Lie … ? (Pause) A LIE?

  BAILIFF: Anybody want to see the paper?

  DEFENDANT: Oh, Lord, Oh Lord, now I am in trouble … now I am, truly, truly fucked. Oh, God, oh, God … You don't want to lie:

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: If you would let me do my job …

  DEFENDANT: Why did you go to Law School? If you don't want to Lie}

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: (Pause) I…

  BAILIFF: (Looking at the paper) Big doings at the peace conference …

  DEFENDANT: You're fired. (Pause)

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I fear you don't understand.

  DEFENDANT: You're fff…

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Can you suppose that another representation would be more to your taste?

  DEFENDANT: I don't know.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Well, I do know. YOU'RE GUILTY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

  DEFENDANT: I AM NOT GUILTY UNTIL A DULY CONSTITUTED COURT …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: What BULLSHIT. WHAT UTTER CRAP. YOU MAKE ME SICK. YOU MAKE ME ASHAMED. I'M FILLED WITH CONTEMPT, WITH, FUCK CONTEMPT, WITH LOATHING, AND YOU SIT UP THERE, GUILTY AS SIN, CRIMINAL, SICK, PERVERTED, AND I'M…

  DEFENDANT:… wait one moment…

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Trying, trying, somehow to …

  DEFENDANT: I'm paying you …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… a pittance, For what I go through? Forced to sit next to you, you SICK FUCK, day-after-day, supporting you; nodding at your infantile hypocrisies. This sick Talmudic, Jewish … {Pause) Ohmigod.

  DEFENDANT: Aha.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I… I… I must, most humbly, Most humbly. Beg. Your forgiveness. My speech has run away with me, I… I was to take my son, my son Tommy. To the Church Youth Hockey game today, and it is. A particularly anxious time. As, as I am divorced, I see him seldom. And these outings, and the time we spend together. Are precious to us, and I am somewhat distraught. At the probability that I will be late, and, and I can but most sincerely Beg Your Pardon. {Pause)

  DEFENDANT: I accept your apology.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Thank you. That is gracious and generous of you.

  DEFENDANT: I understand your anxiety.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Thank you.

  DEFENDANT: I know that you are a religious man …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… yes, I am …

  DEFENDANT:… that you're taking your son to a Church Function …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… the Youth Hockey game …

  DEFENDANT:… and that if you arrived late …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… yes …

  DEFENDANT:… you might have trouble, getting the Priest's dick out of your son's ass.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: YOU fucken kike, you sick, sick …

  DEFENDANT:… fuck you.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Christkilling Jew, Cocksucking bastard …

  BAILIFF:… you fellas want lunch?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: (TO BAILIFF) Fuck you, too. Fuck you, too. Fuck the Lot of you.

  BAILIFF:… uh …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I'm done, I'm gone, I've been nixed.

  DEFENDANT: YOU are fired. I say you're fired, and you walk out on me …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Fuck you …

  DEFENDANT: Oh, oh, who's weak, now?

  DE
FENSE ATTORNEY: Fuck you. Call me a liar …

  DEFENDANT: IS it upset, that I used One Little Word?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: YOU fucking kike.

  DEFENDANT: Oh, Bad Man's called him a Hypocrite …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: YOU you you you you you you're the fucken hypocrite …

  DEFENDANT: Am I… ?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: You're fucken “well-told right you are, who who who, and who has to suffer for you?” {Pause) Uh?

  DEFENDANT: Oh? You?

  BAILIFF: {Looking at paper and holding a pencil)… prehistoric fish …

  DEFENDANT: Oh—who suffers for my sins … ! “Who gave his Only Begotten Son …” ? {Pause)

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: What is that supp …

  BAILIFF:… prehistoric fish … ten letters …

  DEFENDANT: YOU know what that means.