Romance Read online

  PROSECUTOR: Bunny I'm over here.

  BERNARD: I don't care where you are. Go back to your work. Go to your priceless phone call. Go, go on with your “if it please the court,” sick Macho bullshit: Mumbo Jumbo, Habeas Gumbo … I've lost my contact… Put the World in Prison. Maybe that will compensate you for your lack of self-esteem. I'm done. I'm done … I've burned the roast. You clean the fucking pan. I'm sorry for you. (He exits)

  PROSECUTOR: (TO PHONE) Hello? (Pause) A friend. What business is it of yours? (Pause) Yeah, I heard you. (Pause) And how would that bring peace to the Md-dle East? (Pause) Well, too bad, ‘cause you get your ass and your client's ass into court tomorrow at ten A.M. (Pause) The judge is not sick, he has hay fever. He'll be there and you be there … I don't give a fuck about the Mddle East. Fuck you.

  BERNARD: (Reentering) Just two things: One,

  PROSECUTOR: Yes?

  BERNARD: I'm sorry for you.

  PROSECUTOR: Are you?

  BERNARD: And two: Yes, I am. And two: A paste of baking soda and water left in the pan will scrub it clean effortlessly, overnight. Fuck you. {He exits.)

  SCENE FOUR

  The courtroom. Day.

  All are present, save the JUDGE, who enters somewhat bedraggled.

  BAILIFF: All rise.

  JUDGE: What time is it?

  BAILIFF: Your Honor, it is nine A.M.

  JUDGE: At night? (Pause)

  BAILIFF: Your Honor, no.

  JUDGE: All right.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, thank you for coming in early … this may to your ears, be somewhat more-than-unusual. But, I believe that we, in these extraordinary circumstances, have today, an opportunity. You know in ancient times the court was, at once, the seat of justice, and of law, of religion, and of political discourse. A “meeting house,” if you will. A forum, in which the community aired, exercised, and so improved its commerce, morals, and, in this case, its foreign relations.

  JUDGE:… where am I… ? (Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor … (JUDGE holds up a paper.)

  JUDGE: What is this?

  BAILIFF: Your Honor, it is a request for continuance …

  JUDGE:… continuance …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, I think that we possess, today, an opportunity …

  JUDGE:… what is this … ?

  BAILIFF: Your Honor, it's …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: If it please the Court. It is a piece of paper.

  JUDGE: IS it made from “wheat” ?

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I believe, that it is made from wood pulp. If it please the court, you have before you a request for continuance, on the part of the defense, which this office most strenuously opposes. On the following grounds.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor. Here, today, in this city. The representatives of two historically warring powers are convened. My client and I…

  JUDGE: Might I have a glass of water?

  BAILIFF: There's one before Your Honor.

  JUDGE: Did I take my pill?

  BAILIFF: I believe, Your Honor, yes … (JUDGE takes a pill.) I believe Your Honor did take Your Honor's pill.

  JUDGE: Well, now, I'm sure. Now, uh, now, urn perhaps we can get on with it. I've got to tell you fellas, after a night of no sleep … I'm not feeling too well, and …

  PROSECUTOR: I opposed, Your Honor, the request, for a continuance …

  JUDGE: They changed my prescription.

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor—

  JUDGE: My first one was putting me to sleep. But I stopped taking it.

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor. I…

  JUDGE: Gimme a pill. One second. Could you give me a pill?

  BAILIFF: Your Honor, the side effect of overdosing …

  JUDGE: What? Do they make me drowsy?

  BAILIFF: Your Honor, no. The others made you drowsy. The side effects of this pill include, uh, oh, {He reads the label) “psychotomimetic” … uh …

  JUDGE: Well, we're just going to have to risk it. Tfjustice is to be served. {He reads.) What is “Bunny” ?

  PROSECUTOR: I beg Your Honor's pardon, that is a personal note. {He goes to retrieve the note.)

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, if I might address the issue …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor … we have. In our city today. The representatives of Two Great Nations …

  JUDGE:… and something's very wrong here.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: What, Your Honor?

  PROSECUTOR: Indeed it is. The request, for a continuance, leaving aside the lack of simple human concern for Your Honor's health …

  JUDGE: I mean with this note. (Pause) There is something quite wrong with this note. You. You received a note, which I find stuck to my motion. Is that true?

  PROSECUTOR: (Pause) Yes, Your Honor.

  JUDGE: It's signed “Bunny.” (Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: Yes, Your Honor. It is.

  JUDGE: RABBITS CAN'T WRITE. (Pause)

  (A phone rings, PROSECUTOR takes out his cell phone)

  PROSECUTOR: (TO CELLPHONE) Don't call me here …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, there is a Force For Good, what matter we call it. Some call that force “God.”

  JUDGE:… they can't write.

  PROSECUTOR: (Into phone)… because I'm at work …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… what matter if we picture, in our mind, an ancient man … or woman, with a long white beard. Or if we name it but “A Power.” We humans are imbued, say “chemically,” if you must, with the disposition to intuit such a force. If it leads us toward good. Is it not God?

  PROSECUTOR: (Into phone) I can't talk now …

  JUDGE: (TO PROSECUTOR) Would you address yourself to that?

  PROSECUTOR: I shall, Your Honor … the mention of “God,” in a Court of Law …

  JUDGE: I mean, to the Rabbit. (Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: The Rabbit, Your Honor, is not a Legal Document.

  JUDGE: Then it should not have been found on my desk.

  PROSECUTOR: It was, unfortunately, Your Honor, stuck to the motion for continuance.

  PROSECUTOR: With the au jus, if you will, of pot roast.

  JUDGE: I can't take any more. (Rising)

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor. If Your Honor, please … Sir. The warring representatives of Israel and Palestine are, today in our city. My client and I, we believe, may have constructed …

  DEFENDANT: Have constructed, Your Honor, a method, whereby…

  PROSECUTOR: (Into phone) I said I can't talk now …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: A method, Your Honor, devised by this good man, which, we believe, may bring peace to the Middle East. We crave the court's indulgence, to be given leave to present him and his method to these two world leaders, who, today, are convened, Your Honor… In the Name, Your Honor, in the sacred Name of Peace. (Pause)

  DEFENDANT: We think, Your Honor, that this simple procedure could bring about peace.

  PROSECUTOR: What kind of bullshit is this? Your Honor … ?

  JUDGE:… don't worry about me … they changed my prescription.

  DEFENDANT:“Bullshit”?

  JUDGE: The other pills were making me drowsy.

  DEFENDANT:… bullshit?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, the comments of the Prosecutor …

  PROSECUTOR: I am in the midst, I beg your pardon, of some, some, some … some familial, some …

  JUDGE:… I didn't know you were married …

  PROSECUTOR: And you waltz in here, with this bullshit, bullshit rhetoric. Taking in vain, the Name of Peace, of…

  DEFENDANT: I…

  PROSECUTOR: Spawning, this sick, heretic, Liberal Humanistic Pagan Bullshit, about God and “many forms” …

  DEFENDANT: WHO DIED AND LEFT YOU BOSS?

  PROSECUTOR:… Your Honor … ?

  DEFENDANT:“Jesus”?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Oh.No.

  PROSECUTOR: I beg your pardoN?

  DEFENDANT: Jesus. A Jew. Oy. Are we affronted, that He Died on the Cross. And we can't menti
on: Him. Except every third sentence in your bullshit, hypocritical, Goy day …

  PROSECUTOR: I object…

  DEFENDANT: In between raping your children, and, and …

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor …

  DEFENDANT: Bombing abortion clinics, and all.

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I must strenuously object to this, vicious, vile …

  DEFENDANT: YOU fucking goyim, with “your wives named Marge.”

  JUDGE: My wife is named Marge.

  DEFENDANT: Oh, my prophetic soul.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, what my client intended to say, in referring to “your wife named Marge” …

  PROSECUTOR: What the hell does that mean, My Prophetic Soul?

  JUDGE:… did I take my pill?

  DEFENDANT: It's Shakespeare.

  PROSECUTOR: Oh, bullshit.

  JUDGE: Why is he talking about my wife?

  DEFENDANT: Aha, and why don't you like Shakespeare … ? Because he was a Jew.

  BAILIFF: He was a Jew?

  DEFENDANT: YOU bet your boots.

  PROSECUTOR: But that's preposterous.

  DEFENDANT: IS it?

  PROSECUTOR: Yes.

  JUDGE: Why is it preposterous?

  DEFENDANT: Why is it preposterous?

  PROSECUTOR: It is preposterous because … because …

  DEFENDANT: I'm waiting.

  PROSECUTOR: Because: Shakespeare was not a Jew.

  JUDGE: What was he?

  PROSECUTOR: What was he?

  DEFENDANT: Yeah.

  PROSECUTOR: He … was a Christian.

  DEFENDANT: NO Christian can write that good.

  JUDGE: What do you say to that? {Pause) Come on, you want me to do something for you, you do something

  for me. (Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: I …

  JUDGE: Assuage my ignorance.

  PROSECUTOR: I, (Pause) The question before this court…

  BAILIFF: He was a Fag. I know he was a Fag.

  JUDGE:… he was a Fag … ? Shakespeare?

  BAILIFF: Yup.

  JUDGE:“Shakespeare,” who they Teach in Schools?

  BAILIFF: Your Honor, yes.

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor …

  JUDGE: TO, to, to, to, to the “little children” ?

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I must object.

  JUDGE: Why, are you a Shakespearean scholar?

  PROSECUTOR: NO, Your Honor—(Big pause for effect) I am a homosexual. (Pause)

  JUDGE: What is it you guys actually “do” ? (Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor …

  JUDGE: Seriously … (Long pause)

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, the respresentatives of two …

  JUDGE: And could he not have been a Jew and a Fag? (Pause) Could he not have been Two Things … ?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, we have, today, an Historic Opportunity.

  JUDGE: And how am I to decide?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor?

  JUDGE: I mean, ‘cause, we can't go back, to, uh, Elizabethan times, and see if, uh, if Shakespeare Plucked his Eyebrows.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor …

  JUDGE: YOU know, and if he sometimes “forgot,” to wear socks with his penny loafers. So: Someone has Got To Decide. {Pause) You see, this is the age-old problem facing Jurisprudence. This, see, this is the thing you never think of. “Oh, I'd like to sit up there, and sentence people to Death, and have a reserved parking space,” and so on. It never occurs to you that there's a burden which comes with it. Nooo. The Burden of Office. That burden is … {Pause) Uh … {Pause) It's uncertainty. {Pause)

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, Tomorrow, the Representatives of Two Great Powers … convened in our city will depart, if, IF. Your Honor …

  JUDGE: NO wonder Solomon cut that baby in half! You would, too! You fucken Goody Two-Shoes. “No! Don't cut it in half. It's a human being!” … Oh please.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor.

  JUDGE: Spare me …

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor …

  JUDGE:… for the problem … give me another pill… it is not what fraction into which you will divide the Child; one half, one quarter … it's still dead, but:

  {Pause) See how you're listening to me? I like that. When I'm not at work, I miss it. {He starts to cry) But what are one man's sufferings? In this shithole, we call life. Where where whole populations …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor … ?

  JUDGE:… have to boil their water. {Slight pause) What?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, if I may, that is the subject, which brings us before the Court.

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I should like to respond.

  JUDGE: GO ahead.

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, if I may. We “do,” as the court put it, neither more or less than the Heterosexuals. Wth as much right. Under the Law. To Privacy, to Dignity, to …

  JUDGE:… and then you watch black and white films, right? {Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor …

  JUDGE: What is it offends you in the Color Process?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, the representatives of Two Great Peoples.

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, it is not the color process per se; but the decay of storytelling, generally acknowledged as concurrent with, though not occasioned by, the introduction of color.

  JUDGE: IS that so.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, Your Honor?

  JUDGE: What?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, we have an infallible plan to bring Peace to the Middle East.

  PROSECUTOR: There are fine, fine color films.

  BAILIFF: Drums Along the Mohawk …

  JUDGE: I saw that film. It has a lot of Indians.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Indeed it does, Your Honor.

  JUDGE: And that illustrates my point. That people … what was I saying … ?

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I can see the Court is tired, and if I may suggest it…

  JUDGE: Shakespeare was a Jew}

  BAILIFF: And a Fag …

  PROSECUTOR: YOU ought to know … BAILIFF: Excuse me?

  PROSECUTOR: Who mentioned Drums Along the

  Mohawk … ?

  BAILIFF: I saw it on the airplane …

  PROSECUTOR: Where? To Fire Island … ?

  ALL: (Gently) Ooooh … (Phone rings)

  BAILIFF: NO, if you must know, to Ibiza …

  PROSECUTOR: (To phone) Don't call me here.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor …

  PROSECUTOR: (TO PHONE) I did not burn the pan. And I did not burn the pot roast. And I am at work.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor …

  JUDGE: Abraham Lincoln was a Jew …

  BAILIFF: He was … ?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, the Leaders of Two Middle Eastern …

  JUDGE: Don't interrupt me, boyo. Do you know what I can do} I didn't know what I could do, until they stuck me here … what do I know… ? “Danny: How'd you like to be a Judge?” “Sure. What's it entail… ?” Sitting up here, reading National Geographic. I get bored} “Go to jail.” You think I'm kidding … ?

  DEFENDANT: NO.

  JUDGE: NO, what?

  DEFENDANT: NO, Your Honor.

  JUDGE: I said, “I can send ‘em to Jail… ?” “You bet your ass.” “Mickey,” I said, “for what}” “Anything, Dan. Anything, or nothing.” First time did it feel funny? Sure. Like anything. You get used to it. Like sex. You get married. “I can get it anytime.” Weeks pass, you realize: There have to be rules. A pattern, perhaps, give-and-take. Sometimes she's tired … the things, what are they called … ?

  PROSECUTOR:“Precedents”? (Phone rings)

  JUDGE: Vibrators. They aren't called precedents. Huh? Are you fucking with me?

  DEFENDANT:… Your …

  JUDGE: What would a “precedent” be doing in your bedside table? {Pause)

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor …

  JUDGE: Is there a limit on my power? Pal? You don't want to know.

 
; PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I have a family situation …

  JUDGE: First time I have a mother and her kid. Dad didn't want to pay child support. The mother starts to cry. A more experienced man would have imposed some, some, what are they called … ?

  BAILIFF: Judicial penally.

  JUDGE: Hey, you should be doing this job. On the guy. I sent the kid to jail.

  PROSECUTOR: For what:

  JUDGE: I don't need a reason; all's I need's, this little hammer here … N'I'm gone use it till the batteries run out. (JUDGE looks around) Where is it? All day I'm thinking: What can I do next? I'm limited, though, see, by, uh, by …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY:… by The Law?

  JUDGE: Yeah, where's my little hammer? Till I learn about this … What is it?

  BAILIFF: Community service.

  JUDGE: Community service. Now I'm like: “Uh, find a city park, and cut the grass with your teeth” … “tie your clothes into knots, and stuff ‘em down the toilet.” Uh … “shove a tomato up your ass,” uh …