Five Television Plays (David Mamet) Read online

  FIVE TELEVISION PLAYS

  WORKS BY DAVID MAMET PUBLISHED BY GROVE PRESS

  American Buffalo

  The Cherry Orchard (adapted from Anton Chekhov)

  Five Television Plays

  Glengarry Glen Ross

  Goldberg Street: Short Plays and Monologues

  Homicide

  House of Games: A Screenplay

  A Life in the Theatre

  Reunion and Dark Pony

  Sexual Perversity in Chicago and The Duck Variations

  The Shawl and Prairie du Chien

  Speed-the-Plow

  Things Change: A Screenplay (with Shel Silverstein)

  Three Children’s Plays

  Warm and Cold (with Donald Sultan)

  We’re No Angels

  The Woods, Lakeboat, Edmond

  FIVE TELEVISION

  PLAYS

  A Waitress in Yellowstone

  or Always Tell the Truth

  Bradford

  The Museum of Science and Industry Story

  A Wasted Weekend

  We Will Take You There

  DAVID MAMET

  Grove Press

  New York

  Copyright © 1990 by David Mamet

  Introduction copyright © 1988 by David Mamet

  A Waitress in Yellowstone copyright © 1984 by David Mamet

  Bradford copyright © 1988 by David Mamet

  The Museum of Science and Industry Story copyright © 1975 by David Mamet

  A Wasted Weekend copyright © 1986 by David Mamet

  We Will Take You There copyright © 1983 by David Mamet

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Scanning, uploading, and electronic distribution of this book or the facilitation of such without the permission of the publisher is prohibited. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated. Any member of educational institutions wishing to photocopy part or all of the work for classroom use, or anthology, should send inquiries to Grove Atlantic, 154 West 14th Street, New York, NY 10011 or [email protected].

  CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that these plays are subject to a royalty. Each are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States, Canada, United Kingdom, and all British Commonwealth countries, and all countries covered by the International Copyright Union, the Pan-American Copyright Convention, and the Universal Copyright Convention. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.

  First-class professional, stock, and amateur applications for permission to perform it, and those other rights stated above, must be made in advance, before rehearsals begin, to the author’s agent: Ronald Gwiazda, Abrams Artists Agency, 275 Seventh Avenue, 26th floor, New York, NY 10001.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Mamet, David.

  Five television plays / David Mamet. — 1st ed.

  Contents: A waitress in Yellowstone—Bradford—The Museum of Science and Industry story—A wasted weekend—We will take you there.

  1. Television plays, American. I. Title.

  PS3563.A4345A61990812’.54—dc2089-25661

  eISBN: 978-0-8021-9147-2

  Cover design by Jo Bonney

  Grove Press an imprint of Grove Atlantic, 154 West 14th Street, 12th floor, New York, NY 10011

  Distributed by Publishers Group West

  www.groveatlantic.com

  Contents

  INTRODUCTION

  A Waitress in Yellowstone or Always Tell the Truth

  Bradford

  The Museum of Science and Industry Story

  A Wasted Weekend

  We Will Take You There

  Introduction

  I GREW UP in the Golden Age of Television. I remember nightly and weekly exuberance and excellence: “Your Show of Shows,” “Gun- smoke,” “Medic,” “Have Gun Will Travel,” “Twilight Zone,” “The Jackie Gleason Show,” et cetera. Reviewing these shows after twenty or thirty years is instructive and sobering—they stand the test of time—not that each show is a comic or dramatic masterpiece, but many are, and the bulk of the entertainment is well designed, and executed with spirit.

  These shows of the fifties and many of the sixties are, and it is in this that they differ from today's television, honestly done. They are, in the main, honest attempts to dramatize, to cheer, to divert, to entertain. It was inevitable that the Bad Money drive out the good, that a drama broken every eight minutes by an advertisement the revenue from which funded the drama should eventually become a teaser for that upcoming advertisement. It was inevitable that the primacy of the ad revenues would bring about a whorehouse mentality in the Television Industry: “Give em as little as you can, and get em out of here as soon as possible” and that the pimps and hucksters would not only achieve dominance over, but eventually eliminate those drawn to television as a new theatrical form.

  Television executives are the worst people I have ever met in my life. Their conversations with me over the years have always started, “Mr. Mamet, we are so honored that you would even consider writing for television” for which unsolicited and totally false asseveration they then proceeded to make me pay at length.

  I would love to write for television. I love the form. I grew up with it. As a child I watched television ten hours a day. It was my dramatic training. I can imagine no greater fun than having my own television show and writing and directing for the same actors and characters every week. I was in at the conclusion of the “Hill Street Blues” series and had the time of my life. The “Hill Street” script, A Wasted Weekend, here included, is the only piece of television writing I ever did which got made.

  Lovely exciting medium. What a shame.

  Sour grapes? Most certainly. As I said, I love the form, and I wish I could have played along.

  David Mamet

  1988

  A Waitress in Yellowstone

  or Always Tell the Truth

  Dramatis Personae

  RANGER

  WAITRESS

  OLD MAN (OLD COUPLE)

  WINNIE MAGEE

  CONGRESSMAN JOHN LARUE

  BOSS

  COP

  DOUG MAGEE, WINNIE’S SON (AGE 10)

  RADIO ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER ONLY)

  POLICEMAN

  SECOND POLICEMAN

  JUDGE

  BAILIFF

  LAWYER FOR CONGRESSMAN

  CONVICT (FEMALE)

  GUARD

  BUS DRIVER

  STATE TROOPER

  SECOND STATE TROOPER

  RALPH BLUM (THE MAGIC WOODSMAN)

  Narrator takes stage. Dressed as park ranger.

  RANGER: Winnie was a waitress. She worked for tips. Here is a tip: a bad situation generally grows worse.

  Things which can get no worse improve. There are exceptions: here is not one. Winnie caught a guy lifting a tip off of her table. Told him “who do you think you are?” and she read him out to the onlooking crowd, what sort of you-fill-in-the-blank that he was . . . which he was.

  It turns out this man was a congressman. In an election year. He had to keep a shinin
g image in the public eye, which is exactly where he kept it.

  Would have been better off to be what he wished to seem, but barring that he took the secondary course, lived like a thief and made the Public Pay.

  Winnie and her son Doug. Had planned a trip to Yellowstone. To celebrate his Tenth Birthday. He'd, as you might imagine, looked forward to that trip all year. And it was the object of much of their talk and much of their joint happiness.

  At the restaurant.

  WAITRESS: Hey, Winnie, quit dreaming, table number three wants the check!

  (OLD COUPLE.)

  OLD MAN: Could I have the check, please.

  WINNIE: Here you are.

  OLD MAN: Thank you. See you tomorrow, Winnie . . .

  WINNIE: No you won't, sir. Tomorrow my boy and I leave for our vacation. I'll see you in two weeks.

  OLD MAN: Where are you going?

  WINNIE: Yellowstone Park.

  OLD MAN: That's right, you told me. Here's a little extra, you have a fine trip.

  (The OLD COUPLE starts up to leave.)

  WINNIE: That's very generous of you, sir . . . thank you . . . (Before she can gather the money, etc., she is called to another table.)

  CONGRESSMAN: Miss!

  WINNIE (to OLD MAN): Thank you very much.

  CONGRESSMAN: Miss!

  WINNIE: I'm coming! (To CONGRESSMAN:) Yes, sir?

  CONGRESSMAN (of check): What is the meaning of this?

  WINNIE (checking bill): Ninety-five cents, for a substitution. You had beans instead of the creamed spinach.

  CONGRESSMAN: You never told me that.

  WINNIE: Yes, sir, I did.

  CONGRESSMAN: You certainly did not. You did not tell me that.

  WINNIE: Yes, sir, I am certain, you said “I'll have the Special.” Look: It's not important. If you take the check to the boss, I'm sure that he'll . . .

  CONGRESSMAN: Well, that's not the point, is it? The point is that you never told me . . .

  WINNIE: Well, if that's true, I'm sorry, sir.

  CONGRESSMAN: No: say you never told me . . .

  WINNIE: Excuse me . . .

  CONGRESSMAN: You owe me an apology.

  WINNIE: I think that I apologized, excuse me . . . (She walks away. To another WAITRESS:) Some people have too much salt in their diet . . . (To CONGRESSMAN:) WAIT A SECOND WAIT A SECOND WAIT A SECOND: WAIT A SECOND THERE!

  (She walks back to his table, which he has gotten up from. He is standing near the table vacated by the OLD COUPLE. To CONGRESSMAN:)

  You wanna put something back? (Pause.) You wanna put something back, or you want me to call the police.

  CONGRESSMAN: I don't know what you're talking about.

  WINNIE: I'm talking about you just lifted my tip off of that table. Now: you put it back or I call the cops.

  CONGRESSMAN: You're saying . . . (Pause.) You're saying I did whhh . . . ? Get out of my way. (Tries to push past her.)

  WINNIE: In a pig's eye I will. Somebody call the cops! Somebody call the cops, this guy took my tip off the . . . (To CONGRESSMAN:) You aren't going anywhere!

  BOSS: What's the trouble?

  WINNIE: This guy took my tip off the table.

  CONGRESSMAN: Lady, you're in a world of trouble here.

  WINNIE: Well, we're just going to see . . .

  COP: What seems to be the trouble?

  WINNIE: This guy lifted my tip off the table.

  CONGRESSMAN: Not only is it not true, but I want to tell you you've just caused yourself a lot of pain. What's your name, Officer? I'm John Larue, I am the congressman for this district, and this deranged and sick individual has just slandered me. Pick her tip off the table? You know WHO I AM???

  (The CONGRESSMAN sings about the exalted position he enjoys. He finishes singing.)

  CONGRESSMAN: Now: I'll give you one last chance to retract what you said and take back your vicious lie, or you're going to wish you never were born.

  WINNIE: Well, to wish you never were born you have to be born. Which gives you the option, and I think I'll stick with the truth. You should be ashamed of yourself. Good-bye.

  (The COP takes the CONGRESSMAN away.)

  WINNIE: What kind of a world is it? That guy should be setting an example . . .

  (WINNIE and the assembled CUSTOMERS sing “What Kind of a World Is It?” peppering the song with examples from their own lives. The second verse is: “On the Other Hand,” where WINNIE sings about some of the good things which may be had simply in life, in her case, the trip with her son to Yellowstone Park.

  As the clock strikes twelve she sings “My Day Is Done, and I'm Going on Vacation,” and leaves the restaurant. She walks home.)

  WINNIE: Look at the stars, what a beautiful night it is. Always various. (She walks into her house.) Look at my son, isn't he gorgeous. And now we have all this vacation time to be alone together. All the rest is basically illusion.

  RANGER: And so she fell asleep, and she and her son dreamed the same dream. In which they were in Yellowstone Park, high upon a ridge, upon a summit, looking down, and they saw mountain sheep, and they saw deer, and when the rain came unexpectedly they made a shelter from a fallen tree. And as in the wild of sleep and as in the wild of the forest their cares fell away. And when Winnie awoke, she saw her son, already dressed, sitting at the breakfast table, and he had made her a cup of tea.

  (N.B. They are both dressed in full camp regalia.)

  WINNIE: Good morning. What are you doing up so early?

  DOUG: Oh, I couldn't sleep.

  WINNIE: Why? You worried about school, shouldn't you be off to school?

  DOUG: Well, I thought I wouldn't go to school today?

  WINNIE: Wouldn't go to school? Why, of course, you have to go to school today, why wouldn't you?

  DOUG: ’CAUSE WE'RE GOING TO YELLOWSTONE PARK!!!!!

  (They jump up and down and sing a song about how they must make sure they've taken the right things. They sing about the contents of a rucksack, and emergency gear, which they inspect on each other's person. This gear includes: waxed matches in a waterproof container [several containers secreted in various parts of the clothing and generally high up to keep them dry should one fall into waist-high water], a compass, a spare compass, a topographic map of the area to be camped in. A candle for helping to light fires, needle and thread, steel wool which, though it is not generally known, is, in its superfine variety, great tinder and can just be wrung out when wet, extra clothing, rain gear, pencil and paper, fishing line and hook, bandages, whistle, etc. They finish the song, and, having checked each other out, decide that they are ready to proceed to the bus, which they have ten minutes to catch. In deciding which coat to wear, they turn on the radio to catch a weather report.)

  DOUG: I can't believe we're really going.

  WINNIE: Have I ever lied to you?

  DOUG: No!

  WINNIE: Well, then, there you are.

  RADIO ANNOUNCER (voice over): In other news, Congressman John Lame, up for reelection, yesterday was accosted for the misdemeanor of Attempting to Defraud of Services, or, to put it simply, a waitress at a restaurant he frequents, accused the Congressman of lifting her tip off her table.

  WINNIE: . . . come on, let's get out of here . . .

  CONGRESSMAN (voice over): You know, it's easy to accuse, and, I think by far the simplest thing would be to let this sick accusation pass, and go my way, but there comes a time . . .

  WINNIE: Turn that creep off, let's go to the country . . .

  DOUG (turns off radio): What'd he do?

  WINNIE: The creep. Lifted a tip off of a waitress's table. Can you believe that?

  DOUG (opening door): What a life.

  WINNIE: On to the Wilds!

  (In the door are two burly plainclothes POLICEMEN.)

  POLICEMAN: Winnie Magee?

  WINNIE: I . . . uh, what is it?

  POLICEMAN: Are you Ms. Winnie Magee?

  WINNIE: I can't talk to you now, we have to catch a bus.

 
POLICEMAN: ARE YOU WIN . . . ?

  WINNIE: Yes, but I can't talk . . .

  POLICEMAN (simultaneously with “talk"): You're under arrest. Would you come with us, please?

  WINNIE: I . . .

  DOUG: Wait, you can't, what's this all . . . ?

  POLICEMAN: Slander, Malicious Mischief, Defamation of Character, would you please . . . ?

  WINNIE: Who, what . . . ?

  DOUG: What are you doing to my mother?

  SECOND POLICEMAN: She insulted a congressman, kid.

  WINNIE: But we . . . we just have ten minutes to catch the bus . . .

  (They are in a court of law.)

  And we're going to Yellowstone P . . . what is this, what's going on here . . . ?

  JUDGE: You are accused of wantonly, maliciously, and with malice aforethought having verbally assaulted, insulted, and impugned the character of one John Larue, Congressman for the Seventh District of. . .

  WINNIE: HOLD ON A SECOND. I insulted wh . . . ?

  JUDGE: You have no voice in this court, would you please, who is your counsel?

  WINNIE: Say that again?

  BAILIFF: Who's your lawyer?

  WINNIE: I don't have a lawyer, why should . . . What's going on here? (Pause.) Come on, I have to catch a bus. (Pause.)

  JUDGE: You are accused by the Congressman here (CONGRESSMAN stands) of, in simple terms, of lying about him in such a way as to damage his reputation.

  WINNIE: Ah.

  JUDGE: When you said that he stole your tip.

  WINNIE: He did steal my tip.

  JUDGE: The court will now appoint you a lawyer.

  WINNIE: I don't need a lawyer, I don't want one. Let's settle this here and now, ‘cause I'm on my vacation time, alright? You tell me how you want to do this, and let's get this done.

  JUDGE: You wish to act as your own lawyer?

  WINNIE: That's . . . okay. (Pause.) Okay.

  JUDGE: You're making a mistake.

  WINNIE: I've made them before. Nothing to be scared of, now: what is the thing?

  DOUG: Mom, what's going on . . . ?

  (WINNIE and DOUG hold a whispered consultation while the BAILIFF and the JUDGE sing about the charge and the procedure in this case. They are joined by the LAWYER for the CONGRESSMAN and the CONGRESSMAN, who sing about her heinous behavior and the grave damage that has been done. They stop. Pause.)