Five Television Plays (David Mamet) Read online

  WINNIE: Now what?

  JUDGE: You may present your case.

  WINNIE: It's my turn to speak?

  JUDGE: Yes.

  WINNIE (sings):

  Let me preface my remarks by saying

  that I have to catch a bus

  Because I am enroute to Yellowstone Park

  Where, my son and I are taking

  a long-planned vacation

  In the wilds of this great land.

  I am a simple kind of gal which is to say

  I'm just as complex as the rest of us here but

  there are some basic things that I believe in

  one of which is

  that we are entitled to a just pay

  for the work that we do

  in my case a waitress

  which is to say that I work for tips.

  Okay?

  My salary is directly tied to this one thing:

  my ability to please, which is to say, to make comfortable

  the patrons of my restaurant, who have come out to eat.

  The first rule of which is:

  THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

  Which rule I do adhere to.

  IN THIS CASE HOWEVER. ONE:

  The man performed a criminal act . . .

  CONGRESSMAN: . . . I DID NOT.

  WINNIE: AND I asked him . . .

  LAWYER: What was that act?

  WINNIE: He stole my tip.

  LAWYER: I rest my case.

  WINNIE: I asked him to replace it. He did not, and two: I called upon the customers to help me out. That's the beginning and the end, and that is what occurred. Now; are we free to leave?

  DOUG: Can we go now?

  (End of song.)

  JUDGE: Can you prove that he took your tip?

  WINNIE: No.

  JUDGE: You can not?

  WINNIE: No. The only proof is that I saw him.

  JUDGE: We will now consider this case.

  DOUG: Mom, do we have time to make the bus . . . ?

  WINNIE (simultaneously with “bus"): Just barely. If he does this quick.

  JUDGE: Here are my feelings: this has gotten out of hand. I think it can be settled quickly. (Pause.) As we all have better things to do. (Pause.) I think that a simple apology will suffice.

  WINNIE: I'll accept that. Your Honor. I notice that you didn't say that he had to give back my tip. There is a principle involved, but I am willing to forget that, in the interest of getting out of town . . . (To DOUG, as she checks her watch:) Okay, let's go, we can just make it . . . (They walk toward the courtroom doors carrying their rucksacks.) And I will waive that principle and accept the Congressman's sincere apology. Also, he has to say he'll never do it again.

  JUDGE: You misunderstand me. You'll have to apologize to him.

  (Pause.)

  WINNIE: I . . . what?

  JUDGE: You will have to . . .

  WINNIE: I . . . ?

  JUDGE: Apologize to the Congressman.

  (Pause.)

  WINNIE: For what?

  JUDGE: For maligning his reputation.

  WINNIE: HE STOLE MY TIP.

  JUDGE: We have no way of knowing what he might have done, except your word. His reputation, which is a weighty thing, is at stake, and rather than prolong this, and to allow you to catch your bus, if you will just state that you . . . could have made a mistake . . .

  LAWYER: I OBJECT.

  JUDGE: Excuse me: if you will just say that you could have made a mistake, this case will be closed and you can go to Yellowstone.

  (Pause.)

  WINNIE: You want me to say he didn't steal my tip. (Pause.) I do that and we can go.

  JUDGE: Yes.

  WINNIE: What if I don't say that?

  JUDGE: You will go to jail.

  WINNIE: Hmm.

  (Pause.)

  JUDGE: The choice is yours. What do you choose to do? And I would remind you that you have but five minutes to catch your bus.

  WINNIE: Well. This would seem to be the crux of the whole matter here.

  RANGER: I would say so.

  WINNIE (to DOUG): Whaddya think, kid? This guy stole my tip, and if I lie about it we can go free, if not . . . it's, it's your trip, you tell mmm . . . naa, that's ridiculous. What am I going to do? Teach my kid his mom's a liar for the sake of expediency?

  LAWYER: He wants to go camping.

  WINNIE: So he won't go camping. That's not under my control, and I never promised him that I was superman, all that I told him was I'd tell the truth.

  JUDGE: And so?

  WINNIE: Take me to jail and be damned with you. He stole my tip. (She is led from the courtroom, amidst catcalls.)

  CONGRESSMAN: What kind of a mother are you?

  LAWYER: You're going to be a convict . . .

  WINNIE: Hey, I'd rather be me than you.

  BAILIFF: You promised the child you'd take him camping.

  DOUG: Mama!

  WINNIE: Well, there's nothing we can do about it . . .

  RANGER: And so Winnie was taken to the jail, and they took her picture and her fingerprints, and they gave her a uniform and put her in a cell.

  (In the cell. With another CONVICT.)

  CONVICT: You want to play gin?

  WINNIE: Don't bother me.

  RANGER: And she was full of longing for her son, whom she missed. And she worried about him. And she thought about him.

  (WINNIE sings a song about how incredibly difficult it is to bring up children. And how hard it is to live your life according to first principles. The song ends.)

  CONVICT: The first night is the hardest.

  WINNIE: I'm sure that's true.

  CONVICT: It is true. (Pause.) How long are you in for?

  WINNIE: I don't know. ‘Til I apologize. (Sighs.) And we were supposed to be camped out beneath the stars. (Pause.) How long are you in for?

  CONVICT: Can you keep a secret?

  WINNIE: No. (Pause.)

  CONVICT: What's that supposed to mean?

  WINNIE: Nobody can keep a secret. If you don't want me to know your business don't tell it to me.

  CONVICT: We're breaking out.

  WINNIE: What does that mean?

  CONVICT: We're breaking out of jail tonight.

  WINNIE: Swell.

  (There is a huge explosion, and the prison wall collapses. All the CONVICTS run. She finds herself among them.)

  GUARD: Stop! Stop!

  WINNIE: Look, I just, I was just sitting in my cell. . .

  (The GUARD fires at her.)

  WINNIE: Oh gosh . . . ! (She runs.)

  RANGER: And so Winnie ran from the prison, along with the other convicts. And she wandered in the dark corners of the streets. And she found herself at home.

  (Outside her apartment. Her son, listening to the radio.)

  ANNOUNCER (voice over): And now a medley of Songs That You Love To Dream Along With. From the Fantasy Ballroom.

  (Old-time music begins to play. WINNIE goes inside.)

  DOUG: Mama! (They embrace.) Mama! I knew that you'd come home. I knew that you'd come home!!!

  WINNIE: How are you, Sweetie?

  DOUG: I knew that you'd come back. I knew they'd let you out. So we could go camping.

  WINNIE: Doug, look: I, uh . . . I don't think we can . . .

  ANNOUNCER (voice over): We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. Inmates from the Women's Correctional Institute escaped tonight in a mass breakout, wounding five guards in the attempt. Considered armed and dangerous, be on the lookout for . . .

  (She turns off the radio.)

  WINNIE (pause): Um . . .

  DOUG: I'll just get my pack. (He checks bus schedule.) And we can catch a bus at . . .

  WINNIE: . . . Doug . . .

  DOUG: We can catch the one forty-five A.M. bus. And tomorrow! . . . Tomorrow . . . that's right: Yellowstone P . . .

  WINNIE: Doug . . . (Pause.) Hm. Get your pack.

  RANGER: They disguised themselves, and got on the b
us bound for Yellowstone.

  (On the bus. In wigs, and so on.)

  DOUG: Will everything be alright?

  WINNIE: Everything is never alright; but the thing of it is you never have to worry about “everything.” And, for the moment, what we're going to do is just go camping. Now you go to sleep.

  (He goes to sleep, as she sings him a song about Yellowstone, a lullaby, featuring the admonition not to feed the bears, and to look out not to miss Old Faithful.)

  RANGER: The bus sped West, and they fell asleep rocked to the rhythm of the bus.

  (WINNIE is suddenly awake. To BUS DRIVER.)

  WINNIE: Why are we slowing down?

  DRIVER: There's something up ahead. It's a roadblock.

  (The lights come on in the bus. STATE TROOPERS enter.)

  TROOPER: Would everyone please keep their seats.

  (They start down the aisle, looking at a picture and at the passengers.)

  DRIVER: What's the trouble?

  TROOPER: We're looking for some Escaped Convicts . . .

  DOUG: What are we going to do?

  WINNIE: Be calm.

  DOUG: How can I, how can I be calm? They're going to Take you Away.

  WINNIE: Just, Sweetie, just be . . . just, whatever I say, you pretend you're asleep.

  TROOPER (to WINNIE): What is your name?

  DOUG: She's You Don't Want Her. She isn't anybody. Don't. . . don't take her. Mama. Come on. Let's Run!

  WINNIE: Officer, I . . .

  DOUG: She's not the one you want . . . Come ON!

  RANGER: He and his mother escaped through a back window of the bus. And they ran into the woods.

  DOUG: Keep running . . .

  WINNIE (sighs): Oh, my god . . .

  DOUG: No, all we have to do is just keep running. They won't . . . they won't find us . . .

  WINNIE: Alright.

  DOUG: Don't go back. You can't go back. They'll put you back in Prison.

  WINNIE: Alright.

  RANGER: In the deep dark they became lost. In the woods.

  WINNIE: Are you alright?

  DOUG: I'm cold.

  WINNIE (of compass): We'll just keep walking North. We're going to find a road.

  DOUG: How do you know?

  WINNIE: Because I have the compass and I have a map.

  DOUG: How do you know that there is a road?

  WINNIE: Because I see it on the map.

  DOUG: What will we do when we find it?

  WINNIE: Give ourselves up, because you're cold, and you should be warm, and sleep. And we can't run forever. And that's what we're going to do.

  DOUG: We're going the wrong way. We passed this way before.

  WINNIE: No. We didn't.

  DOUG: How do you know?

  WINNIE: Because I have my compass.

  DOUG: I don't think it's working. Yes it is. We'll trust it now. And everything will be alright.

  WINNIE: Now; for a moment. What's the first thing that you do if you get scared and you're lost in the woods?

  DOUG: I don't know.

  WINNIE: Yes. You do. You Sit Down and Think. (Pause.) Now we'll sit down a moment.

  (They sit. WINNIE sings: “Just Because You're Lost Don't Think Your Compass Is Broken.” She sings: “We Must Abide, in Moments of Stress, by Those Things We Have, in Moments of Peace, Decided Are Correct.” She finishes singing.)

  Now, let's go on, and soon we'll find the road, and then you'll be warm.

  DOUG: Look!

  WINNIE: What is it?

  DOUG: A light!

  RANGER: They walked in the forest to a little hut made out of wood. A sign over the door said “Ralph Blum.”

  WINNIE: Ralph Blum.

  DOUG: Who is that?

  WINNIE: I don't know, but I hope that he'll help.

  (She knocks on the door. Pause. She knocks again. Pause.)

  DOUG: Let's go in.

  (WINNIE tries the door.)

  WINNIE: It's locked. Well, we're going to get you warm. We'll break a window.

  (They start around the side of the cabin, the door opens.)

  RALPH: Who are you?

  WINNIE: May we come in? My son is . . .

  RALPH: Why didn't you come to the door?

  WINNIE: We did come to the door. We knocked and knocked and . . .

  RALPH: I didn't hear you. Come in.

  (They go into the cabin.)

  RALPH: The boy's cold? Let's get him something to eat. Here. Put on those warm clothes and I'll put the bed by the fire.

  WINNIE: Thank you.

  RALPH: What?

  WINNIE: Thank you.

  RALPH: Not at all.

  RANGER: So they sat around the fire and the man gave them soup.

  RALPH: Now, you two should go to bed, because you look like you could use the rest. You go to sleep, now.

  WINNIE: I don't think that I can sleep.

  RALPH: You sleep, and everything will look brighter in the morning, whatever it is.

  WINNIE: I don't think so.

  (Pause.)

  RALPH: Is there anything that I can help you with?

  WINNIE: Thank you, you're very kind, I don't see how you can.

  RALPH: You never know. Did you know that? That's one of the true things. You never know.

  WINNIE: I'm sure you're right.

  RALPH: What?

  WINNIE: I said I'm sure you're right.

  RALPH: I am right. Lived in the forest all my life. You think that's crazy?

  WINNIE: Not at all. Quite the contrary.

  RALPH: Eh?

  WINNIE: I think that's the best place one could live.

  RALPH: You do?

  WINNIE: Yes.

  RALPH: Huh. Huh. Huh. (Pause.) Well, I'm going to tell you what: Us Outdoorsmen have got to help each other. Don't you think? (Pause.) Don't you think?

  WINNIE: Mm. Yes.

  RALPH: Well, we do. And I'm going to help you. I don't know what your problems are, ‘n’ it's none of my business . . .

  WINNIE: My problems are I have to go to jail and be separated from my son tomorrow.

  RALPH: Then I'm going to help you.

  WINNIE: How?

  (Pause.)

  RALPH: Can you keep a secret?

  WINNIE: If it will help me and my son.

  RALPH: It will.

  WINNIE: Then I'll keep a secret.

  RALPH: You give me your solemn oath?

  WINNIE: I do.

  RALPH: Alright. (Pause.) I am the Magic Woodsman. (Pause.) I have the Power to grant Wishes of the Heart.

  (He sings the “Song of the Magic Woodsman.” He finishes. Pause.)

  And now you have two wishes. Anything your Heart Desires.

  (Pause.)

  WINNIE: I can wish for anything?

  RALPH: Yup. And it will be granted.

  (Pause.)

  WINNIE: Is that true?

  RALPH: Yes. It is.

  (Pause.)

  WINNIE: Thank you.

  RALPH: What?

  WINNIE: Thank you.

  RALPH: That is alright. Now, you take your time, and whatever you . . .

  WINNIE: I don't have to take time. I am going to wish . . .

  RALPH: Oh, oh, oh. I forgot: (pause) First you have to guess my name. Nothing to it. (Pause.) You have to guess my name and then I grant your wishes. Understand?

  WINNIE: Yes.

  RALPH: Think that you can do it?

  WINNIE: Yes.

  RALPH: Alright, then. Now: what are your wishes?

  WINNIE (pause): I wish that everything was just the way it was before the congressman came in the restaurant . . .

  RALPH: . . . alright . . .

  WINNIE: And I wish my son and I were in Yellowstone Park. (Pause.)

  RALPH: Good. You tell me my name your wishes shall be granted.

  WINNIE: Your name is Ralph Blum. (Pause.)

  RALPH: I'm very sorry, Miss.

  WINNIE: That's not your name?

  RALPH: I'm very sorry. (Pause.) I
'm very sorry.

  WINNIE: Do I get another chance?

  RALPH: No. It is not within my power. (Pause.) I'm very sorry. (Pause.) I . . . you and the boy. Feel free to stay here tonight. I, I'm sure everything will, will look brighter in the morning. (Pause.) I hope that everything works out. I'm very sorry.

  (The MAGIC WOODSMAN leaves the cabin. WINNIE waits. Sits down at the table, smokes a cigarette.)

  RANGER: The false dawn came, that time before the dawn, and, after it, the dawn, and Winnie sat at the table smoking her cigarette while her son slept.

  (WINNIE sings a song of remorse, how, standing on principle, she has sacrificed the well-being of her child. She finishes. DOUG wakes up.)

  DOUG: Where are we . . . ?

  WINNIE: Come on. Get up, Sweetheart, we . . .

  DOUG: What's that . . . ?

  RANGER: They heard the baying of dogs. Drawing closer.

  WINNIE: They're coming to get us.

  (Through a megaphone we hear a TROOPER.)

  TROOPER: We know you're in there . . .

  SECOND TROOPER: Be careful, she's dangerous.

  TROOPER: You have one minute to come out, you and the boy . . .

  DOUG: What are we going to do?

  WINNIE: I have to give myself up . . .

  DOUG: No! What will they do to . . .

  WINNIE: I'm sure everything will be al . . .

  TROOPER: Alright, we're coming in . . .

  WINNIE (she embraces DOUG): Sweetheart, I'm sure that everything will be al . . .

  (The door opens. She shields DOUG. It is RALPH BLUM.)

  RALPH: Wait a second. Did you say “Ralph Blum"?

  WINNIE: What?

  RALPH: Did you say “Ralph Blum"? My name?

  WINNIE: Yes.

  RALPH: You did.

  WINNIE: Yes.

  RALPH: Cause, that is my name. It's on, you know, it's on a sign right outside the door.

  WINNIE: I, I, I know.

  RALPH: What?

  WINNIE: I said that I know.

  RALPH: I thought you said “Brown.” But you said “Ralph Blum.”

  WINNIE: Yes.

  RALPH: Word of honor?

  WINNIE: Yes.

  RALPH: Well, then you get your wish! I'm sorry . . . such a silly . . . I don't hear so . . .

  (They are transported. WINNIE is back in the restaurant with the CONGRESSMAN.)

  RANGER: And they were magically transported back in time. To the time before she saw the congressman take the tip from the table.

  (At the restaurant.)

  CONGRESSMAN: Miss.

  WINNIE: Yes, sir, I'm coming.

  CONGRESSMAN (of check): What is this? Ninety-five cents for a substitution?