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  BAILIFF: Your Honor, I've taken the liberty of asking a physician …

  JUDGE: The question is: Was Shakespeare a Jew?

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor … ?

  JUDGE: Or was he a Normal Human Being? (To BERNARD) My golly you smell good.

  BERNARD: Thank you, Your Honor.

  JUDGE: Call me Danny …

  BERNARD: Thank you, Danny. You're a Nice Man.

  JUDGE: Oh, hush. Because I want to tell you: You bring Peace to the Middle East, and you're gonna look back on it as one of the Proudest Days of Your Life.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor.

  JUDGE: Was Shakespeare a Jew? You go first. Whaddaya

  say?

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, the introduction of Religion, into a Court of Law …

  JUDGE: Don't take that tone with me. Jeez. You can't even be civil with your Boyfriend … {Pause) What did he do?

  BERNARD: He made me burn the pot roast.

  JUDGE: YOU SWINE. YOU come in here, with your, your highfalutin’ tales of Peace and, all the what, the lions will lie down with the lambs. Bullshit. Bullshit, is what I say. Pure Bullshit.

  PROSECUTOR:… Your Honor …

  JUDGE: Because the fucking lambs are already lying down with the lambs.

  PROSECUTOR: Your …

  JUDGE: At nighttime. What are the fucking lambs gonna do? “Yawn yawn, time to turn in, think I'll go bunk with the lions”}

  BERNARD: No.

  JUDGE: You're fucking A. They're going to lie down with the lambs. Now …

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor …

  JUDGE: The lions, on the other hand: They're never ever going to lie down with the lambs. THEY'RE GOING TO EAT THEM.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, they depart tomorrow. But for the moment, in these fleeting moments, the representatives of two great and warring powers …

  JUDGE: DO you believe those sheenies and those … uh, uh …

  BAILIFF:… fine, upstanding Arabs …

  ALL: Mmm.

  JUDGE:… can ever stop their stupid bitching?

  PROSECUTOR: He didn't look like a Jew in his pictures …

  JUDGE: Pictures are deceiving. Did you know that Theodore Roosevelt was a Mulatto?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, my client…

  JUDGE: Your client. Yeah, yeah. What did he do? What is it? Insider trading?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your …

  JUDGE: Child molestation? We ‘re all friends here …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, my client has pleaded Not Guilty, to …

  JUDGE: Well, DUH, I get it. I'm in on the joke. I understand. All that he's got to do. Okay, off the record, just for the, the, the, you concur …

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, make him say “I'm sorry.”

  JUDGE: YOU bet. Come on now.

  BERNARD: Would somebody help me find my contact?

  JUDGE: Whatever the fellow did, you have him come up here n'say “I'm sorry” —then we'll save the Middle East. (Pause)

  (DEFENDANT and DEFENSE ATTORNEY confer.)

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, my client has asked me to forward to this Honorable Court his statement, which consists in but those two, blest, blessed words: I'M SORRY.

  PROSECUTOR: Make him say it.

  JUDGE: Say it, pal.

  (All murmur, DEFENDANT comes forward)

  BERNARD: I think that he should say it.

  DEFENDANT: I'm sorry.

  JUDGE: I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Speak up, please.

  DEFENDANT: I'm sorry.

  JUDGE: That's all it takes. And now:

  BERNARD: I know that voice … I KNOW THAT VOICE … GEORGE BERNSTEIN? IS THAT YOU? IS THAT YOU, YOU SONOFABITCH?

  DEFENDANT: I, I…

  BERNARD: HOW DARE YOU COME IN HERE AND SHOW YOUR FACE?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Who is George Bernstein?

  BERNARD: After you hung me out to dry in Hawaii? You sonofabitch.

  PROSECUTOR: Who is George Bernstein?

  BERNARD: And you gave me a False NAME?

  DEFENDANT: Bunny. Buns …

  BERNARD: Don't you “Buns” me. I sat in that hotel room Three Days, waiting for you to come back from the Ice Dispenser.

  DEFENDANT: Bunny. My wife.

  JUDGE: Bunny … ?

  BERNARD: Eating macadamia nuts. Do you have any notion the amount of carbohydrates I consumed?

  DEFENDANT: Bunny I wanted to stay my wife.

  BERNARD:“Oh Bunny let me Take you to Hawaii…”

  PROSECUTOR:… take you to Hawaii…

  JUDGE:“Bunny.” I know that name …

  PROSECUTOR: YOU LITTLE WHORE. HE TOOK YOU TO HAWAII? WHEN?

  BERNARD: Last November.

  DEFENDANT: Bunny my wife called, she …

  PROSECUTOR: YOU told me you were going to Atlantic City with My Mother.

  BERNARD: I lied, I lied, all right? D'that ever happen to you?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor …

  PROSECUTOR: Where did you meet him?

  BERNARD: Is it important?

  PROSECUTOR: I want to know.

  BERNARD: The small leather-goods counter at Saks.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor …

  BERNARD: He was buying an agenda.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, for the remainder of today…

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I have that agenda …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Scant moments, during which we may bring peace to the Middle …

  PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, I have that agenda in evidence, which … Wait wait wait wait wait MY MOTHER HELPED YOU CHEAT ON ME … ?

  (DOCTOR enters)

  DOCTOR: I'm sorry I'm late.

  JUDGE: And who is this, now?

  DOCTOR: (TO BAILIFF) Show me the bottle. How many pills did he take?

  BAILIFF: Your Honor, I've taken the liberty of contacting a physician …

  DOCTOR: I'm sorry that I'm late, Your Honor. I was delayed by the extraordinary security precautions attendant upon the end of the Middle East Peace Conference.

  PROSECUTOR: YOU and my mother … Bunny … ?

  JUDGE: “Bunny.” His Name was Stuck to the Note on the Motion.

  DOCTOR: Give me your arm, please …

  JUDGE: With the Au Jus of a Pot Roast…

  DOCTOR: Mm, hmm. Give me your arm, please, (DOCTOR

  takes hypodermic from his bag.)

  JUDGE: This is no time to get high.

  BERNARD: My name … ?

  JUDGE: On the note it said, it said … (Handing up the note) Here. “I want to Lick You All Over. Bunny.”

  DOCTOR: Give me your arm, please.

  JUDGE: I can't right now, I'm busy—we're bringing peace to the Mid-East.

  DOCTOR: HOW are you going to do that?

  JUDGE: We're going to crick their necks.

  DEFENDANT: That is a simplified, but an essentially correct …

  DOCTOR: This man is in the throes of a drug-induced psy-chotomimetic fugue.

  JUDGE: And what the fuck's it to you?

  DOCTOR: (TO BAILIFF) Subdue him, please.

  DEFENDANT: I don't believe he needs a shot…

  DOCTOR: Excuse me?

  DEFENDANT: He does not require an injection.

  DOCTOR: And now you speak in what capacity?

  DEFENDANT: I speak as a Chiropractor.

  DOCTOR: NO, seriously …

  DEFENDANT: Are you ignorant of the fact, a heightened state of mental aggravation can be lessened, without drugs, as has been known for fifteen million years, by a simple reversal of the lumbar subluxation?

  DOCTOR: Blow me.

  DEFENDANT: EXCUSE MEEEE … ?

  DOCTOR: Subdue the patient, please …

  DEFENDANT:“BLOWME”???

  DOCTOR: Oh, is it mad because it didn't get into medical school… ? Subdue the patient please.

  DEFENDANT: Excuse me … ? Excuse me … ? Excuse me … ?

  (The DEFENDANT crawls up over the bench and begins strangl
ing the DOCTOR.)

  DEFENDANT: Well, how about that? How about that, huh? Does that feel good … ?

  DOCTOR: OW. OW OW OW… (Et cetera)

  DEFENDANT: HOW about that, huh? Is that as much fun as pimping for the insurance companies?

  DOCTOR: Help …

  DEFENDANT: Huh? Huh? And selling your soul for an ashtray?

  DOCTOR: Help …

  DEFENDANT: With some drug company's name on it… ?

  JUDGE: Where's my gavel… ?

  DOCTOR: Help, help …

  JUDGE:… where's my fucking gavel… ?

  DEFENDANT: Didn't teach you this in medical school, did they? (Kicks DOCTOR)

  DOCTOR: Help …

  DEFENDANT:… when they gave you that stupid white coat… (Pause)

  BERNARD: Wait a ssss… (Appeals to JUDGE) Your Honor … ?

  JUDGE: They took my fucking gavel…

  DEFENDANT: Cure cancer you arrogant fuck

  JUDGE: What?

  BERNARD: The note said “I want to lick you all over. Bunny” ?

  JUDGE: Yes.

  (BERNARD begins weeping.)

  JUDGE: What?

  BERNARD: That is the note … that is the note I wrote him, after our First Date. (To PROSECUTOR) YOU kept it… ?

  PROSECUTOR: I've carried it. All this time. In my pocket.

  BERNARD: No …

  PROSECUTOR: (Starting to cry) Yes … BERNARD: All this time} PROSECUTOR: That's right. BERNARD: Oh, I've been SO wrong … PROSECUTOR: Bunny … BERNARD: Can you forgive me … ?

  PROSECUTOR: Bunny, in many ways, it's I, who should beg your forgiveness …

  BERNARD: No, no …

  PROSECUTOR: If I'd been more attentive …

  BERNARD: No, no, you have your work. I see that, now.

  PROSECUTOR: But, Bunny. But, but I lost a sense oi balance.

  BERNARD: No, no, no, no, no …

  PROSECUTOR: Which is essential for any ongoing relationship.

  {He weeps. They embrace.)

  JUDGE: YOU see? This, this is what I live for. This is my dream. This is the dream of a Young Jurist. Not the “bribes,” yes, yes, we “take” them, but what do we live for? The, the, uh, uh …

  PROSECUTOR: I want to wipe the slate clean, Bunny, and begin again.

  BERNARD:…shhh …

  PROSECUTOR: But I can't with this on my soul.

  BERNARD: Tell me, and be forgiven, (PROSECUTOR whispers

  tO BERNARD.) IkfieW.

  PROSECUTOR: What?

  BERNARD: I knew ALL THE TIME …

  BAILIFF:… What? {Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: Oh Bunny, how could I deserve you, you …

  (They weep.)

  DOCTOR:7 want to confess … I want to confess …

  PROSECUTOR: Oh, Bunny …

  DOCTOR: Once, with a female patient…

  DEFENDANT: I want to confess … I'm guilty … guilty do you hear … ? Your Honor, I'm guilty as charged.

  BERNARD: What is he accused of? {Pause)

  DEFENDANT: I attacked a chiropodist. {All murmur) And … {Pause)

  PROSECUTOR: Get it off your chest.

  DEFENDANT: And I had sex with a goose. {He weeps)

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: I cheated on my income tax …

  PROSECUTOR: I never took the Bar exam …

  JUDGE: Fm Jewish. (Pause)

  DOCTOR: This man's in shock …

  JUDGE: I'm Jewish. My father told me. He confessed.

  PROSECUTOR:… oh, Your Honor …

  JUDGE: He came over from Poland. He told everybody he was Welsh. He was a Jew … my father was a Jew … I'm a Jew … I'm a sheeny … (Weeps)

  DEFENDANT: You're not a Jew unless your mother was a Jew.

  JUDGE: What?

  DEFENDANT: You're not a Jew unless your mother was a Jew.

  JUDGE: I'm not a Jew … ?

  DEFENDANT: NO.

  JUDGE: (Pause) Thank God. Thank you, God. You do exist. There is a God …

  DOCTOR: Hold him, while I administer the hypodermic.

  JUDGE: There is a God. It's all true. People? People? God exists. (To BAILIFF) DO you hear? God exists!!! (He goes to embrace the BAILIFF.)

  DOCTOR: (Administering the hypodermic) The antidote should take effect immediately.

  JUDGE: God exists. How could we e ‘er repay his Endless Mercies?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Your Honor, we could bring peace to the Middle East.

  BAILIFF: Your Honor, the car is waiting. I have called ahead, the car is waiting to transport us to the Peace Conference.

  (All start toward the door, save the JUDGE. They look back and see the JUDGE still seated.)

  BAILIFF: Wait, he has to say, “Court is Adjourned …”

  JUDGE: Yeah, that's right, I have to, urn … (Phone rings.)

  (All look around to find the culprit guilty of leaving on the ringer. BERNARD takes the phone from his pocket)

  BERNARD: Hello … ?

  DEFENDANT: If Your Honor will but say, “Court is Adjourned …”

  BERNARD: {Apologizing to court, as he opens his phone) I'm sorry … (To PROSECUTOR) It's your mother.

  PROSECUTOR: I have nothing to say to her.

  BERNARD: She wants to know if you're watching the Peace Conference on TV

  PROSECUTOR: Tell her I can't talk now. I'm working.

  BERNARD: Mom? Mom? He's working …

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: If Your Honor will but say, “Court is Adjourned …”

  BERNARD: (Reiterating the question of the PROSECUTOR'S mother)… “Did you hear what the one fellow called the other fellow at the Peace Conference? …” … What? He called the other guy what… ? ON TV… ?

  DEFENDANT: What, what did he say?

  BERNARD: Can I repeat it in a Court of Law… ? He

  said …

  (Sound of sirens. All listen.)

  JUDGE: Would somebody turn off the kettle … ?

  BAILIFF: Your Honor, that is the sound of sirens.

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: The leaders have quitted the Peace Conference. They have departed in wrath.

  DEFENDANT: TOO late, too late … why, Lord, oh why are we doomed to endless strife?

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Well, everything was going fine till you killed Christ.

  {General approval, DEFENDANT gets incensed and attacks the

  DEFENSE ATTORNEY.)

  JUDGE: Hey in all fairness, he's right. But that's a question for another day. (JUDGE raises gavel) Case dism—

  BAILIFF: One moment. (Puts his arm around JUDGE) Yes, we may have spent our vacation on Ibiza, but we were on the straight part of the island.

  ALL: Oh, please …

  JUDGE: (He looks to BAILIFF, who nods. Then the JUDGE brings down the gavel) This court is adjourned.

  END.

  A Vintage Original, October 2005

  Copyright © 2005 by David Mamet

  All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Vintage Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.

  Vintage and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

  CAUTION: This play is protected in whole, in part, or in any form under the Copyright Laws of the United States of America, the British Empire, including the Dominion of Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union, and is subject to royalty. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, radio, television, and public reading, are strictly reserved. All inquiries concerning performance rights should be addressed to the author’s agent: Howard Rosenstone, Rosenstone/Wender, 38 East 29th Street, New York, NY 10016.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Mamet, David.

  Romance : a play / David Mamet.

  p. cm.

  “A Vintage original”—T.p. verso.

  1. New York (N.Y.)—Drama. I. Title.

  [DNLM: 1. Legal drama. 1csh]

  PS3563.A4345R66 2005

  812'.54 dc22

  2005048460
<
br />   eISBN: 978-0-307-49027-8

  www.vintagebooks.com

  v3.0