November Read online

  (Pause.)

  ARCHER: What’s he saying?

  CHARLES: (To Archer) He’s calling upon me to be the bigger man. (To phone) No—you’re right, you’re right, Barr—yesterday was yesterday, today’s today, and we go on. (Pause) You’re right—we have to work together. And we have no choice—you’re right—not at all. Not at all. Barr, thank you—and on we go. (Hangs up phone. To ARCHER) Call the IRS and have him audited back to the day he was born.

  (Pause. The phone rings. ARCHER answers.)

  ARCHER: Send him in.

  (TURKEY GUY enters.)

  TURKEY GUY: Mr. President.

  CHARLES: Yes.

  TURKEY GUY: I had to move the turkeys from their climate-controlled capsule.

  CHARLES: Where are they now?

  TURKEY GUY: They’re in the outer office.

  CHARLES: That’s lovely.

  TURKEY GUY: And they need to smell your hand.

  CHARLES: All right.

  TURKEY GUY: And, Sir, there are people coughing in the anteroom.

  ARCHER: (To phone) Tell the people in the anteroom to stop coughing.

  TURKEY GUY: And we would like to see the speech.

  ARCHER: You need to see the speech?

  TURKEY GUY: Yes.

  ARCHER: We need to see the money.

  TURKEY GUY: And I need you to permit the turkeys to smell your hand.

  ARCHER: He wants the turkeys to smell your hand.

  CHARLES: Yeah, back up and repeat the bit about the “money.”

  ARCHER: You get the money after you pardon the turkeys.

  CHARLES: What’s to prevent him from reneging? I pardon his turkeys, and he says, “Thanks a lot, lame duck, tough noogies.” What then?

  ARCHER: You put him on the piggy plane.

  CHARLES: You get the idea?

  TURKEY GUY: I am so looking forward to working with you Sir.

  CHARLES: After the broadcast, you give me the money.

  TURKEY GUY: That is correct.

  CHARLES: And, I am looking forward to working with you too, pal. Four more wondrous years.

  TURKEY GUY: Four more years of …?

  CHARLES: Well, of my presidency.

  (BERNSTEIN shows up, sneezing, in a wedding dress, her amulet around her neck.)

  BERNSTEIN: Sir, Good morning. Achoo.

  CHARLES: You sick?

  BERNSTEIN: Just something I caught on the plane … (She sneezes.)

  CHARLES: Get someone from Walter Reed down here with some penicillin.

  ARCHER: (To phone) Gimme a doctor with some penicillin.

  BERNSTEIN: Sir, on behalf of my partner, our daughter, and myself.

  ARCHER: Is that a wedding dress?

  BERNSTEIN: Sir, it is.

  ARCHER: It’s lovely.

  BERNSTEIN: Thank you, Sir. (Hands him speech) I think you’ll like this …

  ARCHER: Why are you wearing it?

  CHARLES: (Of speech) Oh, jeez, listen to this:

  (All sit. The phone rings.)

  ARCHER: (To phone) Yes. The TV people want to do a sound check.

  CHARLES: Coming right down.

  TURKEY GUY: Please tell them to place the turkeys onstage, so that they become accustomed to the noise and the commotion.

  ARCHER: Sure.

  TURKEY GUY: But not too near the lights.

  ARCHER: (To phone) Put the turkeys in the studio. (Hangs up)

  BERNSTEIN: (Reads) “A country. Like a family, like a race, or a religion, like a business…”

  CHARLES: Business, always good.

  BERNSTEIN: “… is an organic enterprise. Because it lives, it changes…”

  TURKEY GUY: … Sir, might I hear the part about the turkeys …

  BERNSTEIN: “… it has its triumphs, and, of course, it makes mistakes, in short, it grows. Now: we’ve all heard the phrase ‘growing pains’…”

  (The phone rings.)

  ARCHER: (To TURKEY GUY) They want you out there.

  TURKEY GUY: Excuse me …

  (TURKEY GUY exits.)

  CHARLES: Bernstein, this speech? This here…?

  BERNSTEIN: Thank you, Sir.

  CHARLES: This makes me sound smart.

  ARCHER: Why are you wearing a wedding dress?

  BERNSTEIN: (To CHARLES) Thank you.

  CHARLES: Thank me? Thank you … What do you want? You tell me: Ambassador to what, France? Somewhere closer?

  BERNSTEIN: Sir.

  CHARLES: You name it: the UN … are we still in the UN?

  ARCHER: You want me to check?

  BERNSTEIN: Sir, all I and my partner, and my daughter want. Is the one thing. And for you to, in your second term, to be well, do good, live long, and deal justly.

  (Pause.)

  CHARLES: I love this speech Bernstein. I love it and I will do everything in my power to do ALL those things.

  ARCHER: A-plus speech, Bernstein.

  BERNSTEIN: Wait til it’s done …!

  ARCHER: And why are you wearing a wedding dress?

  BERNSTEIN: I’m getting married.

  CHARLES: No, I believe he means why are you wearing a wedding dress today?

  BERNSTEIN: I’m getting married today.

  ARCHER: (On phone) And I’m told there’s another woman in a wedding dress.

  BERNSTEIN: Yes.

  ARCHER: In the outer office …

  BERNSTEIN: That would be my partner.

  ARCHER: Uh-huh …

  BERNSTEIN: And, Sir.

  CHARLES: Yes.

  BERNSTEIN: I have the one more favor …

  CHARLES: You ask it, pal.

  BERNSTEIN: My partner and I … would be honored, if you’d let us name our daughter after you.

  CHARLES: Bernstein, can I give you a “hug”?

  BERNSTEIN: If you’re not reluctant, Sir, to “hug” a person of a differing sexual orientation.

  CHARLES: I’ve been doing it all my life.

  (CHARLES and BERNSTEIN hug.)

  BERNSTEIN: Thank you, Sir.

  CHARLES: That speech, Bernstein, is my legacy.

  BERNSTEIN: Wait til it’s done.

  CHARLES: It’s not done?

  BERNSTEIN: It’s almost done …

  CHARLES: Can I see it now?

  BERNSTEIN: Not til it’s done.

  CHARLES: When will it be done.

  BERNSTEIN: After we’re married.

  CHARLES: But I need it now to do it on TV.

  BERNSTEIN: We thought, you’d marry us on TV first, and, then, I’d give you your speech.

  (Pause.)

  CHARLES: Don’t you trust me, Bernstein?

  BERNSTEIN: Sir? I don’t trust anyone. But, if I did? I’d trust you first.

  CHARLES: Bernstein, I am the President.

  BERNSTEIN: That’s what I’m saying, Sir.

  CHARLES: I don’t get the speech, until I marry you on TV?

  BERNSTEIN: That is correct. I am so excited.

  (BERNSTEIN exits.)

  CHARLES: Find out how I can marry the broad …

  ARCHER: You can’t do that.

  CHARLES: I need that speech.

  ARCHER: It’s illegal.

  CHARLES: What we’re speaking of, would be illegal?

  ARCHER: It would be illegal.

  CHARLES: Thus, it would be a “crime.”

  ARCHER: Yes.

  CHARLES: And, thus “against the law.”

  ARCHER: That is the nature of a crime.

  CHARLES: How twisted are the works of man. (Pause) Find some way to make it legal.

  ARCHER: It’s legal in Massachusetts.

  CHARLES: Is that the way you want to live your life?

  ARCHER: … it’ll cause precedent.

  CHARLES: Not necessarily.

  ARCHER: That’s what LEGAL is.

  CHARLES: It is?

  ARCHER: “LEGAL” means making a precedent, so that, NEXT time in the same circumstances, people know what to do. (Pause) Because they know what’s legal. (Pause) That’s what it means
, “a legal precedent.”

  (Pause.)

  CHARLES: Can’t I do it under “executive powers”?

  ARCHER: Legally, no.

  CHARLES: What about “illegally”?

  ARCHER: It wouldn’t be legal.

  CHARLES: Okay. What about if it, okay: WASN’T “legal,” but, BUT it “looked” legal for just enough time, before the Supreme Court tromped in and said it was—what do they say …? “Unconstitutional.” (Pause) Let them “de-legalize” it next week. Isn’t that what they do? I don’t give a fuck …

  ARCHER: … they’d say you quote quote “seized the reins of power.”

  CHARLES: What would I do with “the reins of power”? I just wanna get reelected.

  ARCHER: … it has to be legal.

  CHARLES: Fucken legal. (Pause) What is legal? Is it “legal” for the State to deny of two perfectly good citizens, the right to “get married,” just because they’re both girls?

  ARCHER: … Yes.

  CHARLES: Well, that’s a crime …

  ARCHER: It’s a damn shame.

  CHARLES: It allows, uh uh, uh, “other” people to get married.

  ARCHER: That it does.

  CHARLES: At one time. It prohibited.

  ARCHER: … uh-huh.

  CHARLES: … uh uh uh, people of other races from marrying.

  ARCHER: No, it didn’t.

  CHARLES: It prohibited people of other races, from marrying people of other races.

  ARCHER: It ain’t going to fly.

  CHARLES: Then help me out.

  ARCHER: She insists on you “marrying” them.

  CHARLES: Yes.

  ARCHER: Before she gives you the speech?

  CHARLES: Yes.

  ARCHER: … Women …

  CHARLES: No, they have rights, just like regular human beings.

  ARCHER: As you’ve always said.

  CHARLES: I married one of ’em.

  ARCHER: You married two of ’em.

  CHARLES: Yeah, but the first one was expunged.

  (ARCHER and CHARLES knock wood. TURKEY GUY enters.)

  TURKEY GUY: I need you to smell the turkeys’ hand.

  ARCHER: Don’t you say “Sir”?

  TURKEY GUY: Not for two hundred million dollars.

  CHARLES: How do I marry the broads?

  TURKEY GUY: I need you to smell the turkeys’ hand.

  CHARLES: I believe you mean, you need the turkeys to smell my hand.

  TURKEY GUY: That is correct.

  CHARLES: You bet.

  (The second phone rings. ARCHER answers.)

  ARCHER: Yes …

  TURKEY GUY: Because they’re very sensitive.

  CHARLES: Aren’t we all?

  ARCHER: (To CHARLES) The TV people. Bernstein and her pal—have refused to wear makeup.

  CHARLES: That’s their inalienable right. And get a license.

  ARCHER: (To phone) Can we get a marriage license “right now”? Because he needs to marry them today.

  TURKEY GUY: Who?

  ARCHER: The girls in the wedding dress …

  TURKEY GUY: He wants to marry two “women”?

  ARCHER: That’s right.

  TURKEY GUY: Two “lesbians.”

  CHARLES: Well, why would two straight women get married? They marry “men.”

  TURKEY GUY: You, you mean to “marry two women”?

  CHARLES: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t ask your permission.

  TURKEY GUY: Today …?

  CHARLES: Well, I didn’t say “today,” but they got dressed up and came down here …

  ARCHER: (To phone) The press wants to know why there are two women, in a wedding dress, and bouquets, sitting in the office with a little Chinese child.

  CHARLES: Tell the press they all pulled each other from a burning wreck…

  TURKEY GUY: If you marry those lesbians, we cannot give you the money.

  CHARLES: … or they won a spelling bee or something.

  TURKEY GUY: If you marry those two women on TV, we will not give you the money.

  (Pause.)

  CHARLES: That is not the spirit which made this land what it is.

  TURKEY GUY: I do not give a fuck.

  CHARLES: What is this, some antihomosexual thing on your part?

  TURKEY GUY: That may or may not be, but I speak as the representative of three hundred million God-fearing consumers of turkey.

  (The phone rings. ARCHER answers.)

  ARCHER: Your wife’s on the line.

  CHARLES: WOULD YOU TELL HER I’M AT WORK. Jesus, a man cannot work at home …

  TURKEY GUY: If you …

  CHARLES: I HEARD YOU, all right? What about: hold on.

  (The phone rings again. ARCHER answers.)

  ARCHER: Yes …?

  CHARLES: What about if I don’t marry them, until after Thanksgiving?

  ARCHER: (To CHARLES) Bernstein has explained to the press that you are marrying her at the beginning of your telecast.

  TURKEY GUY: Oh my …

  (Pause.)

  ARCHER: I’ll take care of it.

  TURKEY GUY: My principals, will, in no circumstances allow …

  ARCHER: I said I’ll take care of it.

  TURKEY GUY: Oh, my … Oh, my …

  (He exits.)

  ARCHER: Chuck.

  CHARLES: Yes.

  ARCHER: Two things you need. To win an election.

  CHARLES: Yeah.

  ARCHER: A shitload of money.

  CHARLES: That’s right.

  ARCHER: AND a good idea. Here’s the good idea: you have to sell Bernstein out.

  CHARLES: To sell Bernstein out.

  ARCHER: That’s right.

  CHARLES: I’m in her debt.

  ARCHER: You’re in her debt, how you going to discharge it?

  CHARLES: She’s in here with her cute li’l Chinese baby, and her girlfriend, Daisy.

  ARCHER: You can’t marry two women, Chuck. It’s against the law.

  CHARLES: If we got the Chief Justice to come down here. Like an “activist judge”…? They make the law …

  ARCHER: Why would he do that?

  CHARLES: If I threatened to show everyone “those tapes” of him on the party boat on Lake Winnipesaukee …

  ARCHER: The country. Will not vote for you, Chuck, however much airtime you buy. If you marry those women.

  CHARLES: What about if it was “Opposite Day”?

  ARCHER: “Opposite Day”?

  CHARLES: Yeah.

  ARCHER: It’s not a legal holiday.

  CHARLES: … it’s not?

  ARCHER: No.

  CHARLES: Huh … (Pause) And she’s writing me this beautiful speech.

  ARCHER: That’s great.

  CHARLES: No it’s better than that, it’s going to be my legacy.

  ARCHER: Uh-huh.

  CHARLES: Because, you know what her and me have?

  ARCHER: What do you have?

  CHARLES: A dream.

  ARCHER: You know when people have dreams, Chuck? When they’re sleeping.

  (BERNSTEIN pokes her head in.)

  BERNSTEIN: Sir?

  ARCHER: Give us a minute. (BERNSTEIN exits. To CHARLES) Chuck: you want to be President for four more years?

  CHARLES: (Pause) I promised Bernstein.

  ARCHER: I know that you did.

  CHARLES: I need her.

  ARCHER: Uh-huh.

  CHARLES: And I owe her …

  ARCHER: Sometimes, Chuck …

  CHARLES: Yes …

  ARCHER: … part of the burden of command …

  CHARLES: Yes …

  ARCHER: … is you have to sell the other fellow out.

  CHARLES: … you have to sell the other fellow out.

  ARCHER: Yes.

  CHARLES: Uh-huh …

  ARCHER: For the “common good.”

  CHARLES: For the “common good.”

  ARCHER: Well. Now you’re talking.

  CHARLES: ’Cause, for the common “good,” yeah, I cou
ld do it, but, uh …

  ARCHER: That is because you’re a moral man.

  CHARLES: But, if it was just, uh … “expediency,” I couldn’t …

  ARCHER: No, fuck that. Fuck that, Sir. We’re speaking of the absolute integrity of That One Man, who occupies the Highest Office in the land. (Pause) Who would like to hold the highest office in the land (Pause) rather than go home and play pitch and putt golf with Cathy.

  CHARLES: (Pause) What do I do?

  ARCHER: (Pause) Here’s what you do: We set the TV Cameras up. We introduce you, THE CAMERAS, HOWEVER, ARE OFF. We tell the TV Guys it is a matter of, uh … “National Security.”

  CHARLES: “National Security”?

  ARCHER: What are they gonna say? (The phone rings. To phone) Yes, we’re coming out. (ARCHER starts helping the President into his shirt, their backs are to the door as BERNSTEIN, unseen, enters holding a bouquet and a boutonniere.) The girls come on, you “marry” them. They “think” they have been married. She hands you your speech. Weep weep weep, they broom the broads, we turn the cameras on, you give the speech, and you pardon the turkeys.

  CHARLES: But …

  ARCHER: You can’t marry those two women and win the election. (Pause) Is that right or not? Look me in the eyes.

  CHARLES: That’s right. (They turn and see BERNSTEIN standing there.) Uh …

  BERNSTEIN: (Of the boutonniere) I wanted to ask if you’d give me away.

  CHARLES: BERNSTEIN. (Pause) Uh …

  BERNSTEIN: And you’re selling me out.

  CHARLES: Bernstein, you know, I, um …

  ARCHER: What the President is doing…

  CHARLES: What I’m doing, Bernstein, is a …

  ARCHER: … it’s a Strategic Re-Ordering of Priorities.

  (Pause.)

  CHARLES: Well, Bernstein.… you know …

  BERNSTEIN: What about the Shade-Tree Mechanics …?

  ARCHER: … the “shade-tree mechanics”…?

  BERNSTEIN: Who built this country.

  ARCHER: Were any of them lesbians?

  BERNSTEIN: They may have been.

  ARCHER: Why, because they were wearing coveralls …?

  BERNSTEIN: … Sir.

  CHARLES: Just because they were wearing coveralls Bernstein, does not mean they were lesbians.

  ARCHER: That’s right.

  CHARLES: “Coveralls,” in fact, were, curiously, once worn by “men.”