Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the Duck Variations Read online

  DAN and DEB in bed late at night, DEB is sleeping.

  DANNY: Deborah. Deb? Deb? You up?

  Pause.

  You sleeping?

  Pause.

  I can't sleep.

  Pause.

  You asleep?

  Pause.

  Huh?

  Pause.

  You sleeping, Deb?

  Pause.

  What are you thinking about?

  Pause.

  Deb?

  Pause.

  Did I wake you up?

  A movie theatre. DAN and BERNARD are watching a pornographic movie.

  BERNIE: Don't tell me that's that guy's joint. Whatever you do don't tell me that. That's not his joint. Tell me it's not his joint, Dan.

  DANNY: It's his joint.

  BERNIE: I don't want to hear it.

  DANNY: That's what it is.

  BERNIE: I don't want to hear it, so don't tell it to me. Nobody is hung like that. If that's his joint I'm going to go home and blow my brains out.

  DANNY: He probably used a stand-in. (Pause.)

  BERNIE: I can't stand this. I can't fucking stand this. Lookit that broad!

  DANNY: Which one?

  BERNIE: Which one? The one she looks a little bit like whatsername.

  DANNY: Like Deborah?

  BERNIE: Yeah.

  DANNY: Which one is that?

  BERNIE: That one.

  DANNY: You think she looks like Deborah?

  BERNIE: Yeah. You see what I mean?

  DANNY: No. You think she's pretty?

  BERNIE: Pretty? What the fuck are you talking about? (Pause.) You know this fucking house has changed.

  DANNY: Yeah.

  BERNIE: I mean, they still got the guys jerkin’ off under the Trib in the front row . . .

  DANNY: World's Greatest Newspaper.

  BERNIE: . . . but they got a lot of scum in here now. Wait, now. Wait. Do you see that. Will you look at the fucking that?

  DANNY: What?

  BERNIE: That break in the action . . . they shifted scenes . . . where they changed the camera angle . . . you know why they do that? You know why? Because the guy came is why, and they shift angles and wait a while so it looks like he's fucking for hours. You see that?

  DANNY: Yeah.

  BERNIE: These guys got no control. (Pause.) What was I saying?

  DANNY: How the house has changed.

  BERNIE: They got a lot of scum in here now. DO YOU SEE THAT? DO YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT? (Pause.) A woman blowing a man's natural. A woman blowing a dog's disgusting. (Pause.) Yeah, that's what I think, and I'm not ashamed to say it!

  DAN and DEB at their apartment. In the midst of an all-night argument.

  DEBORAH: Oh, shut up.

  DANNY: I should shut up? Who's talking for the last twelve hours straight, huh?

  DEBORAH motions him away in disgust.

  DANNY: . .. blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Jesus. Some people go home with the Tribune. You go home with me. Everything's fine. Sex, talk, life, everything. Until you want to get “closer,” to get “better.” Do you know what the fuck you want?

  Push. You push me.

  Why can't you just see it for what it is?

  DEBORAH: What?

  DANNY: Us.

  DEBORAH: And what is it?

  DANNY: What it is, no more, no less.

  DEBORAH: And what is that?

  DANNY: Don't give me this. Don't give me that look, Missy.

  DEBORAH: Or you're gonna what?

  DANNY: I don't mind physical violence. I just can't stand emotional violence. (Pause.) I'm sorry. I'm sorry Deb. (Pause.) I forget who I'm talking to. I'm sorry. You're very good for me. Come here. (Pause.) Come here.

  DEBORAH: No. You come here for christ's fucking sake. You want comfort, come get comfort. What am I, your toaster?

  DANNY: Cunt.

  DEBORAH: That's very good. “Cunt,” good. Get it out. Let it all out.

  DANNY: You cunt.

  DEBORAH: We've established that.

  DANNY: I try.

  DEBORAH: You try and try. You are misunderstood and depressed.

  DANNY: And you're no help.

  DEBORAH: No, I'm a hindrance. You're trying to understand women and I'm confusing you with information. “Cunt” won't do it. “Fuck” won't do it. No more magic. What are you feeling. Tell me what you're feeling. Jerk.

  DEB alone.

  DEBORAH: My mother used to tell a story about how I came into the kitchen one day while she was preparing an important dish. I was about four. I said, “Mommy, can I have a cookie?”, and she for some reason misunderstood or misheard me, and thought that I said that I wanted a “hug,” so she gave me a “hug,” and I said “Thank you, Mommy. I didn't want a cookie after all.”

  (Pause.) You see? What is a sublimation of what?

  (Pause.) What signifies what?

  DAN at BERNARD‘S apartment. The middle of the night. They are drunk.

  BERNIE: Tits and Ass. Tits and Ass. Tits and Ass. Tits and Ass. Blah de Bloo. Blah de Bloo. Blah de Bloo. Blah de Bloo. (Pause.) Huh?

  DANNY: I don't know.

  BERNIE: So don't know. Big deal—you are going to lose your head over a little bit of puss? You are going to sell your birthright for a mess of potash? “Oh, Bernie, she's this. Oh, Bernie, she's that . . .” You know what she is? She's a fucking human being just like you and me, Dan. We all have basically the same desires, and the shame of it is you get out of touch with yourself and lose your perspective. Huh?

  Pause.

  Huh?

  Pause.

  Yeah. You think you're playing with kids? (Pause.) Don't ever lose your sense of humor, Dan. Don't ever lose your sense of humor.

  DAN and DEB at their apartment. Splitting up their belongings.

  DANNY: . . . and your friend, Joan . . . that cunt was born in a carcrash. (Pause.) And your job is a lot of busy-work, you know that?

  DEBORAH: I know.

  DANNY: And I have no fucking idea what your drawings mean. (Pause.) And you're a lousy fuck.

  DEBORAH: I know.

  DANNY: Your friend, Joan, is a better fuck than you are.

  DEBORAH: I'm sure she is.

  DANNY: . . . and she's a lousy fuck. (Pause.) Aren't you going to tell me I'm a lousy fuck?

  DEBORAH: You are a lousy fuck.

  DANNY: You're fulla shit.

  DEB and JOAN at their apartment.

  JOAN: You learn from your mistakes, Deborah. Man is the one animal who has that capacity.

  DEBORAH: Yes.

  JOAN: You can't live in the past.

  DEBORAH: No.

  JOAN: It does you no good.

  DEBORAH: I know it.

  JOAN: And, in the end, what do you have? You have your friends. (Pause.) Have you been drawing since you've been with Dan?

  DEBORAH: It wasn't his fault.

  JOAN: Well, whose fault was it, mine?

  DEBORAH: It was my fault, Joan.

  JOAN: It was not your fault. Say what you will, the facts don't change and the fact is if you take a grown man whose actions and whose outlook are those of a child, who wants nothing more or better than to have someone who will lick his penis and grin at his bizarre idea of wit, uh . . . if you take that man and uh . . .

  DEBORAH: I'll thank you for this someday.

  JOAN: Yes, you will, Deb. And you know, I truly don't see why you're being so hostile. I'm afraid I have to admit that.

  JOAN is reading a story to her imaginary toddlers.

  JOAN: . . . and when the Prince came home that night, she had changed into an old Hag (so of course he was very surprised).

  “Where is my beautiful wife?” he asked the Hag.

  “And what have you done with her?”

  And she said, “I am your wife.” (That's right.).

  “I can be beautiful during the daylight hours so that you and your friends can admire me, or I can be beautiful at night, so that you can enjoy me by the fi
reside, and so on. But for one half of the day I must be this old Hag you see before you.”

  Pause.

  A “hag” is an ugly old lady.

  Pause.

  Well, how do you think it's spelled?

  Pause.

  Well, how does it sound?

  Pause.

  That's right. And so she told him . . .

  DAN and BERNARD are on the beach. They are looking at attractive women.

  BERNIE: Lookit this.

  DANNY: Where?

  BERNIE: Lookit this.

  DANNY: Where?

  BERNIE: There.

  DANNY: Oh yeah.

  BERNIE: My sweet goodness.

  DANNY: Uh huh.

  BERNIE: What a sensitive young lady.

  DANNY: Check this one out.

  BERNIE: Don't bother me.

  DANNY: I'm telling you.

  BERNIE: Where?

  DANNY: Two o'clock.

  BERNIE (looks): Oh no!

  DANNY: Yes.

  BERNIE: Oh no!

  DANNY: I'm afraid so.

  BERNIE: I see no reason to go on living.

  DANNY: Ummm.

  BERNIE: There can be no more to life.

  DANNY: Yes.

  BERNIE: In a way it's sad. To think I gaze upon the highest man can wish for . . .

  DANNY: Berine . . .

  BERNIE: His destiny . . .

  DANNY: Bernie . . .

  BERNIE: The fruition of a pain-laden stay on earth . . .

  DANNY: Hey, Bernie, isn't that whatsername?

  BERNIE: Her?

  DANNY: Yeah.

  BERNIE: Is she who?

  DANNY: Whatzername, who you introduced me to last week.

  BERNIE: Naaa. This broad is much better looking.

  DANNY: I think it's her.

  BERNIE: This broad has a lot more class.

  DANNY: NO . . .

  BERNIE: Lookit her boobs. (Pause.) Am I right or not?

  DANNY: Yeah, I think you're right.

  BERNIE: Hey! Don't look behind you.

  DANNY: Yeah?

  BERNIE: Whatever you do, don't look behind you.

  DANNY: Where?

  BERNIE: Right behind you, about ten feet behind you to your right.

  DANNY: Yeah?

  BERNIE: I'm telling you.

  DANNY (looks): Get the fuck outta here!

  BERNIE: Can I pick ‘em?

  DANNY: Bernie . . .

  BERNIE: Is the radar in fine shape?

  DANNY: . . . I gotta say . . .

  BERNIE: . . .Oh yeah . . .

  DANNY: . . . that you can pick ‘em.

  BERNIE: I know I can. And will you look at the chick in the two piece wet-look jobbie?

  DANNY: Where?

  BERNIE: Where I'm looking. (Pause.) Those legs . . .

  DANNY: Oh no!

  BERNIE: . . . all the way up to her ass!

  DANNY: Jesus.

  BERNIE: And beyond for all we know.

  DANNY: You said it.

  BERNIE: Lookit her.

  DANNY: Yup.

  BERNIE: Fuckin‘ lookit her.

  DANNY: I know it.

  BERNIE: Tell me she is not flaunting herself all over the beach.

  DANNY: She is casting it to the winds.

  BERNIE: Look at that suit.

  DANNY: Bern . . . Bernie . . . I think that I can see her snatch.

  BERNIE: You're fulla shit.

  DANNY: On my honor. I can see her fucking snatch.

  BERNIE: You can see her snatch?

  DANNY: I'm telling you.

  BERNIE (looks): I can't make it out.

  DANNY: At the top of her legs.

  BERNIE: I know where it is, I just can't see it.

  DANNY: When she breathes in. You gotta look close.

  Pause. They look.

  BERNIE: Where does she get off with that noise?

  DANNY: Yeah.

  BERNIE: That fuckin’ pisses me off.

  DANNY: Yeah.

  BERNIE: That pisses the fuck off outta me.

  DANNY: I know.

  BERNIE: Piss.

  DANNY: Cockteaser.

  BERNIE: Prissy little cunt.

  DANNY: Right on the beach.

  BERNIE: Piss me off.

  DANNY: Little prude.

  BERNIE: On the fucking beach.

  DANNY: And those tits!

  BERNIE: Don't talk to me about tits.

  DANNY: Nice firm tits.

  BERNIE: Where does she get off with those tits?

  DANNY: What a pair of boobs.

  BERNIE: Not that I'm a tit man . . .

  DANNY: I know.

  BERNIE: I mean, I dig tits . . .

  DANNY: I don't blame you.

  BERNIE: . . . but I wouldn't go out of my way for a pair of tits.

  DANNY: Yeah.

  BERNIE: The way I see it, tits . . .

  DANNY: Yeah?

  BERNIE: . . . are what you make of ‘em.

  DANNY: It's like anything else.

  BERNIE: But an ass . . .

  DANNY: Yeah.

  BERNIE: . . . is an ass.

  DANNY: Goes without saying. You know what I like?

  BERNIE: What?

  DANNY: Stomach muscles.

  BERNIE: You're talking about flab.

  DANNY: Yeah.

  BERNIE: I know what you're talking about.

  DANNY: I know you do.

  BERNIE: Flab.

  DANNY: Fuckin’ flab.

  BERNIE: Who needs it?

  DANNY: More trouble than it's worth.

  BERNIE: A nice pair of legs though . . .

  DANNY: I know it.

  BERNIE: . . . is like money from home.

  DANNY: A home away from home.

  BERNIE: Now look over there to illustrate my point.

  DANNY: The broad?

  BERNIE: Right. Nice legs, eh?

  DANNY: Yup.

  BERNIE: Very acceptable old ass . . .

  DANNY: Nice, firm.

  BERNIE: Flat belly, beautiful pair of tits.

  DANNY: No question.

  BERNIE: Now she is fine. (Pause.)

  DANNY: Right.

  BERNIE: But now look over there. The broad with the dumpy legs and the fat whatdayacallit.

  DANNY: Stomach.

  BERNIE: Her legs are for shit, her stomach is dumpy, her tits don't say anything for her, and her muscle tone is not good.

  DANNY: Right.

  BERNIE: Now she is not a good-looking girl. (Pause.) In fact she is something of a pig. (Pause.) You see? That's all it takes . . . to make the difference between a knockout looking broad, and a nothing looking broad who doesn't look like anything. (Pause.) You see my point?

  DANNY: . . . yeah?

  BERNIE: Makes all the fucking difference in the world. (Pause.) Coming out here on the beach. Lying all over the beach, flaunting their bodies . . . I mean who the fuck do they think they are all of a sudden, coming out here and just flaunting their bodies all over? (Pause.) I mean, what are you supposed to think? I come to the beach with a friend to get some sun and watch the action and . . . I mean a fellow comes to the beach to sit out in the fucking sun, am I wrong? . . . I mean we're talking about recreational fucking space, huh? . . . huh? (Pause.) What the fuck am I talking about?

  DANNY: Are you feeling all right?

  BERNIE: Well, how do I look, do I look all right?

  DANNY: Sure.

  BERNIE: Well, then let's assume that I feel all right, okay?

  DANNY: Okay.

  BERNIE: I mean, how could you feel anything but all right, for chrissakes? Will you look at that body?

  (Pause.) What a pair of tits. (Pause.) With tits like that, who needs . . . anything.

  A long pause. They watch an imaginary woman pass in front of them.

  BERNIE: Hi.

  DANNY: Hello there.

  Pause. She walks by.

  BERNIE: She's probably deaf.

  DANNY: She did look deaf, didn'
t she.

  BERNIE: Yeah. (Pause.)

  DANNY: Deaf bitch.

  *Some portions of the dialogue appear in parentheses, which serve to mark a slight change of outlook on the part of the speaker—perhaps a momentary change to a more introspective regard.—D.M.

  The Duck

  Variations

  The Duck Variations was first produced by The St. Nicholas Theater Company, at Goddard College, Plainfield, Vermont, in 1972, with the folělowing cast:

  EMIL VARěC Pablo Vela

  GEORGE S. ARONOVITZ Peter Vincent

  It was directed by David Mamet; set and lighting by Jim Drake.

  It was first produced off-off Broadway at St. Clements Theatre, New York City, in 1975, with the following cast:

  EMIL VARěC Paul Sparer

  GEORGE S. ARONOVITZ Michael Egan

  It was directed by Albert Takazauckas; set by Michael Massee; lighting by Gary Porto.

  It was produced off-Broadway at the Cherry Lane Theatre, New York City, with Sexual Perversity in Chicago, in June of 1976, with the following cast:

  EMIL VARěC Mike Kellin

  GEORGE S. ARONOVITZ Michael Egan

  It was directed by Albert Takazauckas; set by Michael Massee; lighting by Gary Porto.

  The Scene:

  A Park on the edge of a Big City on a Lake. An afternoon around Easter.

  The Characters:

  Emil Varěc and George S. Aronovitz. Two gentlemen in their sixties.

  This is a very simple play.

  The set should consist only of a park bench and perhaps a wire garbage can.

  The actors can be discovered seated on the bench at rise, or they can come on together, or separately and meet.

  Any blocking or business is at the discretion of individual actors and directors.

  There should be, though, an interval between each variation—it doesn't need to be a long one—to allow the actors to rest and prepare for the new variation. This interval is analogous to the space between movements in a musical presentation.

  The Duck Variations

  FIRST VARIATION It's Nice, The Park Is Nice

  SECOND VARIATION The Duck's Life

  THIRD VARIATION Also They Got Barnyard Ducks

  FOURTH VARIATION The Duck Is Not Like Us

  FIFTH VARIATION Did You Know What I Was Reading