Five Television Plays (David Mamet) Page 13

  ANDERTON: The road was going North?

  PROFESSOR: Yes.

  ANDERTON: Last night we walked basically North. Did we cross the road?

  PROFESSOR: No.

  ANDERTON: Then, since we were camped to the left of the road and walked North, if we head due East we'll intersect the road. We then make a right turn and walk back to camp. (Beat.) You would have figured that out.

  PROFESSOR: How do we find the East? The sun rises in the East!

  ANDERTON: Unfailingly.

  (The PROFESSOR looks up, it is a completely hazy day. He cannot make out the sun.)

  PROFESSOR: But we can't see the sun today.

  ANDERTON: That's right.

  PROFESSOR: So how can we find the East?

  ANDERTON: What do you think?

  PROFESSOR: Something about the Moss on Trees . . . ?

  ANDERTON: The Moss on Trees. Exactly.

  PROFESSOR: It grows heavier on one side of the tree.

  ANDERTON: On which side?

  PROFESSOR: I don't know.

  ANDERTON: Well, let's be logical.

  PROFESSOR: On the . . . on the side with least sun . . . ?

  ANDERTON: And which side would that be?

  PROFESSOR: The North.

  ANDERTON: Sounds logical. And so which way is East?

  (The PROFESSOR looks around, examines a tree or two, points. ANDERTON starts disassembling the lean-to as he speaks to the PROFESSOR.)

  That's right, the way you follow a course in the woods is you sight. You find your direction of travel—in this case the East . . . (he points) and you sight on an object . . . that gnarled tree there, for example . . .

  (He throws a packet of nuts to the PROFESSOR.)

  Have some breakfast. You walk to that object, and you sight again. This method brings you home. You want to take a walk.

  BACK AT CAMP.

  ESPOSITO and MRS. SCHOLTZ, seated on a bumper of the truck, drinking coffee, chatting.

  Insert: Watch. Ten o'clock.

  MRS. SCHOLTZ: You think that they're alright?

  ESPOSITO: Yes, I do.

  MRS. SCHOLTZ: Isn't there something we should do?

  ESPOSITO: If they're not back in an hour, we will.

  MRS. SCHOLTZ: What will we do?

  ESPOSITO: We'll get Maclaren to get on the radio, we'll organize a search.

  MRS. SCHOLTZ: My husband and I . . .

  ESPOSITO: Hey, look, if you love the guy, be married to him. He's not a bad guy. Not, cut him loose, so be it. Everything has its down side. Huh? So, he's arrogant—other hand, he's a dreamer. He wants to go find this thing. I don't know, there's something marvelous in that. The whole thing is, why look for something better all the time? Why did you marry him?

  MRS. SCHOLTZ: I liked him. ESPOSITO: So like him.

  ON THE ROAD.

  The PROFESSOR and ANDERTON walking, briskly.

  PROFESSOR: The technical name, actually, is the Sasquatch. ANDERTON: Sasquatch.

  PROFESSOR: In the Himalayas, the “Yeti, “ or, popularly, “the Abominable Snowman, “ though, this is, of course, a corruption.

  ANDERTON: Of what?

  PROFESSOR: Correctly translated, it would be “Bear-Man, “ in the Rocky Mountains, and, you might think, curiously, in the Everglades . . . “Big Foot.”

  ANDERTON: They've got ‘em in the Everglades . . . ?

  PROFESSOR: The range of the creature is throughout, on this continent throughout most wilderness regions.

  ANDERTON: And how accurate are the reports of . . .

  PROFESSOR: Does the creature actually exist? Yes. It exists. If you ask men in Nepal what wildlife they have on the mountains they will say Goat, Bear, Mink, Deer, Yeti, it's a matter of course. It exists. Why has it not been authenticated? (Shrugs.) People thought the Giant Squid was a figment of mapmakers’ imaginations until one was found washed ashore in 1823. The giraffe was thought a hoax in Europe until one was brought back and exhibited in 1790. The planet Pluto was not discovered until 1930. It was there all the time. These creatures exist. Films exist, footprints exist. They are reported many times a month. The Grizzly bear needs five times the square miles of the Sasquatch, yet they are seen less frequently. The creature exists. I had a map of the last and largest sighting. The map was purchased from . . . the expedition has been sworn to silence, to protect the creature—I managed to buy the map. (Shrugs.) The map was going to rescue my career.

  ANDERTON: Your career needs rescue?

  (We hear, faintly, a car horn beeping every three seconds.)

  Great, there go the batteries.

  (In the camp, MRS. SCHOLTZ at the car, beeping the horn. ANDERTON and the PROFESSOR walk into the camp. She runs up and starts embracing her husband. ANDERTON walks over to ESPOSITO, who comes out of the tent to meet him.)

  ESPOSITO: How you doing?

  ANDERTON: No compass in the emergency pack.

  ESPOSITO: No, huh?

  ANDERTON: I didn't check it before I went out. (Beat.)

  ESPOSITO: Never too old to learn.

  ANDERTON: You know what the thing was? The Professor had a map of the Abominable Snowman.

  ESPOSITO: I know. His wife told me.

  ANDERTON: She did?

  ESPOSITO: Yeah. We've gotten to be very close. (Beat.)

  ANDERTON (shakes his head): God, it would have been great trying to track that guy.

  ESPOSITO: The snowman . . . ? Well, don't give up yet, ‘cause I found the map yesterday. (He displays the map.)

  ANDERTON: You found it . . .

  ESPOSITO: Yeah, I found it on the ground.

  (ANDERTON takes the map. Turns to look for the PROFESSOR.)

  (Angle point of view: The PROFESSOR and his WIFE embracing.)

  (Angle: ESPOSITO and ANDERTON.)

  ANDERTON: Ah, we'll do the map later.

  ESPOSITO: There is a guy with his priorities straight.

  (They stroll over to the truck. ESPOSITO looking at the photo of the Snowman.)

  ESPOSITO: You think this turkey exists?

  ANDERTON: Well, Dan, many people doubted the existence of the planet Pluto, ’til its discovery in 1930.

  ESPOSITO: That's true. How'd you get back ‘thout your compass?

  ANDERTON: Moss on the trees, my friend. Like the Professor said. Our Old Friend. The Moss on Trees.

  EPILOGUE

  Insert: A large sheet of paper. A tracing of the foot of the Sasquatch, eighteen inches long. The paper is replaced with another, a photo of the creature. It is replaced with another, a comparative drawing of the Sasquatch and a man. The Sasquatch towers over the man.

  Angle: ESPOSITO looking at the drawing. The PROFESSOR, behind him, at the truck, slinging his pack up onto the tailgate. The camp is struck.

  PROFESSOR: Alright: Karen! Let's get with it! Mike?!

  (Angle: ANDERTON, walking around the now-cleared campsite.)

  ANDERTON: Professor?

  PROFESSOR: Ready?

  ANDERTON: Yep.

  (The PROFESSOR helps his wife up into the Rover. ESPOSITO gets in beside her and they sit in the back. ANDERTON and the PROFESSOR get into the driver's seat and shotgun.)

  INSIDE THE TRUCK.

  ESPOSITO: How are you today?

  MRS. SCHOLTZ: Never been better.

  ESPOSITO: Glad to hear it.

  ANDERTON (over his shoulder): You bring your toothbrush?

  ESPOSITO: Yeah, you remember to pack the sandwiches?

  ANDERTON: Yeah. Did you turn off the iron?

  ESPOSITO: Yeah.

  ANDERTON: That's it, then.

  MRS. SCHOLTZ: Lovely weather.

  ESPOSITO: "It's always lovely Weather when Good Friends Get Together" (Under his breath to ANDERTON:) . . . to go looking for the Abominable Snowman.

  PROFESSOR (jocular): No need to be frightened, Mr. Esposito.

  ESPOSITO: Man, I grew up Sixty-third and Stony in Chicago, I'm not frightened, I'm just interested. Hit it, Mike.

  (ANDERTON starts th
e car.)

  ESPOSITO (in the style of a TV pitchman): And it's juuuussst that easy!

  (The truck drives off.)